After a wonderful yoga and yoga nidra class yesterday I ran to pick up Chinese and on the way my daughter asked me to pick up some milk too. My cousin called me and the rain was so loud we couldn’t hear each other. I texted my daughter, that the air was no longer a gas, it was a liquid, the roads were covered in rain. I hesitated and almost didn’t go in the store, but the rain died back just as I got to the drive, so I ran in.
There is a quote from the Bodhisattva’s Vow that says “Who can be ungrateful or not respectful Even to senseless things, not to speak of a man or a woman? even though they may be fools, Be warm and compassionate towards them. If by chance they should turn against us, And abuse and persecute us, we should Bow down with humble words, in the reverent belief That they are the merciful avatars of Buddha, Who uses devices to emancipate us from sinful Karma that has been produced and accumulated upon ourselves By our own egoistic delusion and attachment…” This quote is on my mind this morning because on my way into get milk I saw a Japanese woman and thought oh that looks like the wife of a friend I lost in the divorce. The thing is I lost the friendship mainly because of my own issues. Then I heard Hey Meg, kind of snide maybe but I cannot be sure. I saw him and I just said Hey in a strong way and walked away. Later I cried because of our lost friendship. I told my friend M. this morning about it and she said Oh in a sad way because we were all friends. But I said you know, people don’t realize how much this hurt me. I am on the uphill climb from where I hit rock bottom, but nothing I have ever experienced in my life could have prepared me for how far I fell, and no other relationship had ever done so much damage to me. It was like a role playing game where the roll of the dice is a double O. OO and you say oh shit my character just died. And you have to begin again, with minimal strength and limited power.
The thing is I cannot fake it. I could not stand there and say o hello how are you it is so lovely to see you how is my ex husband and his lovely replacement woman? jeepers i sure do wish you had invited me to your wedding i made you a lovely afghan. o my daughter she is on antidpressents and still doesn’t have a job, but golly she is just doing so great, thank you ever so much for asking. well you take care and lets do dinner sometime so i can feel additional excruciating pain, toodles and tata.
I got in my car and immediately thanked God with many explicatives, wondering if he had in mind a strike of lightning to round out my evening, especially in light of the words I was calling him. And also saying the above quote but changing it to the MERCILESS avatar of the Buddha. yeah i am a sinner. But here is the thing, in the 5 or 6 years I have known this man I have NEVER seen him in public. And the same is true with the ex’s woman, I saw her ONCE in ten years and have seen her 6 times in two. WTF? Yes it is the Buddha teaching me that I am a weak and angry piece of shit who deserves to suffer. Got it. And yes, I have to pass by this friend, I miss him terribly, but I can no longer bear the pain of his presence.
Just when I think I am strong, the hand smacks me down again.