It was a long day at the Zendo for me today. Sitting started at 9 and ended at noon, then I did work practice cleaning the kitchen and then headed up to yoga. Later this evening there was dharma study.
I keep wanting to get over this very large obstacle that has been in my path. I find it so difficult to get over it, I am frustrated beyond words. Why can’t I get passed this? I throw myself to the ground sobbing with anger and frustration and sadness. This obstacle. It won’t go away. Please someone just make it go away. I remember a time when I was in the surf and every time I tried to stand up I lost my footing, the sand went out from under me, the waves knocked me down. And the person I was with was seriously annoyed with me because I would not get up. But I couldn’t get my feet. Finally they reached down and pulled me up. I think back to that moment and feel a strong desire to return and tell myself right then, let it go, let it all go. Then in a flash of insight I realize this obstacle is going nowhere, it will never disappear. It is a permanent feature in the landscape of my heart. I picture a grassy field with this giant solid shining black wall, it is slippery and cannot be climbed, it has no chinks or finger holds, it stretches so far in either direction I cannot seem to find it’s end. What exactly is it I expect to find on the other side of it? I don’t know. I keep thinking that I have to get there though.
I remember my Mom and my friend telling me early on in this little story that i needed to get over that obstacle. I didn’t want to then, I kept saying I am not ready. Later, my sister said it is time to move on. Okay I said but I am doing what I can here, I don’t know how to get passed this thing. But today, today, I realize there is no getting beyond this point. It is not possible. I give up. I let the ocean take me, I let the sand slip out from under my feet and I am washed out into the sea.
I visualize myself encountering the woman or the friend or even the man, and I try to do what one of my friends recommended, I cannot, every time in my visualization I turn into something ugly.
This quote is then thrust in front of me:
We are barbarians, and ought to be satisfied just to smile at each other.
I visualize this. Only. Just smile. That smile that every man I have ever met has commented on. What a gorgeous smile. Smiley. What a beautiful smile. I love your smile. Nothing left to do but smile,smile, smile. We are barbarians, and ought to be satisfied just to smile at each other.
Just accept what you cannot overcome.