Accepting what you cannot overcome

It was a long day at the Zendo for me today.  Sitting started at 9 and ended at noon, then I did work practice cleaning the kitchen and then headed up to yoga.  Later this evening there was dharma study.

I keep wanting to get over this very large obstacle that has been in my path.  I find it so difficult to get over it, I am frustrated beyond words.  Why can’t I get passed this?  I throw myself to the ground sobbing with anger and frustration and sadness.  This obstacle.  It won’t go away.  Please someone just make it go away.  I remember a time when I was in the surf and every time I tried to stand up I lost my footing, the sand went out from under me, the waves knocked me down.  And the person I was with was seriously annoyed with me because I would not get up.  But I couldn’t get my feet.  Finally they reached down and pulled me up.  I think back to that moment and feel a strong desire to return and tell myself right then, let it go, let it all go.  Then in a flash of insight I realize this obstacle is going nowhere, it will never disappear.  It is a permanent feature in the landscape of my heart.  I picture a grassy field with this giant solid shining black wall, it is slippery and cannot be climbed, it has no chinks or finger holds, it stretches so far in either direction I cannot seem to find it’s end.  What exactly is it I expect to find on the other side of it?  I don’t know.  I keep thinking that I have to get there though.

I remember my Mom and my friend telling me early on in this little story that i needed to get over that obstacle.  I didn’t want to then, I kept saying I am not ready.  Later, my sister said it is time to move on.  Okay I said but I am doing what I can here, I don’t know how to get passed this thing.  But today, today, I realize there is no getting beyond this point.  It is not possible. I give up.  I let the ocean take me, I let the sand slip out from under my feet and I am washed out into the sea.

I visualize myself encountering the woman or the friend or even the man, and I try to do what one of my friends recommended, I cannot, every time in my visualization I turn into something ugly.

This quote is then thrust in front of me:
We are barbarians, and ought to be satisfied just to smile at each other.

I visualize this.  Only.  Just smile.  That smile that every man I have ever met has commented on.  What a gorgeous smile.  Smiley.  What a beautiful smile.  I love your smile.  Nothing left to do but smile,smile, smile. We are barbarians, and ought to be satisfied just to smile at each other.

Just accept what you cannot overcome.

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