This Spiritual Path

I have had three therapy appointments in the last month or so.  I just needed to reset.  I had felt really good, but then I had an incident that left me feeling really stressed and I had to talk to someone who could offer me some insight.  It is funny how this particular professional is more a teacher than a therapist for me.

I described to him my idea that this obstacle is in my path and will never really be gone.  I had this image that it is like the Vietnam memorial, it reflects on me, it is there in my internal landscape, it isn’t going anywhere.  It is not something I am ignoring or that I have to pay complete attention to.  It is just there.  It is not going anywhere.  I find that this is okay though.  He liked my metaphor and showed me a picture of himself reflected in the Vietnam Memorial wall.  He said it was a good metaphor, and yet it doesn’t have to define me.  I looked into his eyes, and saw a depth of some thing, his own hurt perhaps, I felt a really deep connection, and a deep compassion for him.

Later at the Zen Center we sat and talked, all of us about the physiological damage that anger causes.  The emotional damage.  Again I felt this really deep connection.  As I sat on the steps while everyone else was walking kinhin, I felt a deep peace and a deep connection to the trees, the earth to the world.

Today was a really tough day though, it was difficult.  I realized that I had to tell a really dear friend that I could not sit by and watch him kill himself.  I had an intense conversation with another friend that helped me to realize the damage that I did to myself, by letting someone decide my own approval, and there was none.  The thing is that I saw all along the path that something wasn’t right.  I got side tracked. But I see his anger and bitterness toward the situation and I suddenly realize that I am surrounded by people that do approve of me, just as I am.

My therapist tells me, that now I am on this path, the spiritual path, and this is the right thing to do.  I look down at my imaginary map and I see that there are lines slowly fading in.  I know he is right.

As I sit on the steps, feeling connected I ask the force of the universe to guide me.  I want to know what is next and I feel a deep faith that I will see it.  It is coming and it will be wonderful.  That is hope.

I haven’t had that for a really really long time.

I breathe in.  I breathe out.  I breath in.

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