I have had three therapy appointments in the last month or so. I just needed to reset. I had felt really good, but then I had an incident that left me feeling really stressed and I had to talk to someone who could offer me some insight. It is funny how this particular professional is more a teacher than a therapist for me.
I described to him my idea that this obstacle is in my path and will never really be gone. I had this image that it is like the Vietnam memorial, it reflects on me, it is there in my internal landscape, it isn’t going anywhere. It is not something I am ignoring or that I have to pay complete attention to. It is just there. It is not going anywhere. I find that this is okay though. He liked my metaphor and showed me a picture of himself reflected in the Vietnam Memorial wall. He said it was a good metaphor, and yet it doesn’t have to define me. I looked into his eyes, and saw a depth of some thing, his own hurt perhaps, I felt a really deep connection, and a deep compassion for him.
Later at the Zen Center we sat and talked, all of us about the physiological damage that anger causes. The emotional damage. Again I felt this really deep connection. As I sat on the steps while everyone else was walking kinhin, I felt a deep peace and a deep connection to the trees, the earth to the world.
Today was a really tough day though, it was difficult. I realized that I had to tell a really dear friend that I could not sit by and watch him kill himself. I had an intense conversation with another friend that helped me to realize the damage that I did to myself, by letting someone decide my own approval, and there was none. The thing is that I saw all along the path that something wasn’t right. I got side tracked. But I see his anger and bitterness toward the situation and I suddenly realize that I am surrounded by people that do approve of me, just as I am.
My therapist tells me, that now I am on this path, the spiritual path, and this is the right thing to do. I look down at my imaginary map and I see that there are lines slowly fading in. I know he is right.
As I sit on the steps, feeling connected I ask the force of the universe to guide me. I want to know what is next and I feel a deep faith that I will see it. It is coming and it will be wonderful. That is hope.
I haven’t had that for a really really long time.
I breathe in. I breathe out. I breath in.