“the night is dark because it is overwhelmingly clear that neither God nor the soul nor the self as we knew them are any longer to be found. There is instinctive recoil and withdrawal: nothing seems sufficiently worth doing or caring about without them”
Prayer of St. William re written:
Divine Presence restore my sight so that I might see with the eyes of my heart, and to see you in the world around me.
Teach me to nourish my spiritual journey with prayer so that I might be an instrument of your light and your love.
Help me to be a person of hospitality, let my work become prayer. Let me find you in the presence of others.
The phone rings and for a moment I forget where I am. I think it is the alarm but it is not. It is Aurora Borealis it flickers on your night sky. I am unsure of the time, unsure of my own location. Do you see it? You ask, did you see that green flare. I ask of what the Aurora Borealis? Yes you say impatient. I cannot see it. I am blind. The trees hide the north from my place. It is 3 am here, I say. I can hear the drunk in his voice.
Will you welcome me, welcome me there. I shall welcome you as you have welcomed your guests. I shall invite you in and make fun of you, make you feel stupid as I fill your belly with hatred, and my own body with this poison that defines me. I say with some of the bitter of three months passed with little word of you.
On one knee you profess your undying devotion to me, but your left hand has a ring of hops and barley grass already tied around it. Remove that ring I say, you must remove that ring first. But you cannot, it has defined you for too long. That sir is not devotion to me, it is devotion to your disease.
I have made these plans you say, I can feel your sadness and I feel the blackness inside of me spilling. I had thought it was contained with the laughter of my last moments before I slept. I thought I had it contained with the delicious lunch with Bill and the long talk about my journey. I haven’t shared any of my joys or troubles with you in the last three months I say, angry now. You are too busy to talk to me, you have too much trouble holding a can of beer and a phone, do you even know what I have been doing for the last three months? Have you even cared?
I tell everyone how much I love you, how much you mean to me…I am never alone to talk to you.
Honey I have learned that actions speak louder than words. Your actions tell me we are just friends, and that you are better friends with the people you have there. I can accept this, and I have accepted it.
I think back to where I was in December and I know now I am even further entrenched in this place.
Bill says I cannot find love until I love myself. I tell him, I will never. I have spent almost 43 years looking at what is wrong with me, and since I have realized that isn’t going to change I have to accept that I will never find love again. Someone else says, oh that means love is just around the corner. I don’t care I say angry. I am telling you I don’t want it. I want it but not with all the baggage that comes with it. All the things I give away of myself because I never learned how to do it the right way. I need to be love, not be in love.
I am silent, I can feel his sadness it grips me and leaves my heart beating hollow in this vessel. I think of the love I do have and I am grateful for it. It leaves me feeling whole, not hollow. I want to walk this part of my journey alone. I need to find sustenance for myself. I need to recoil and withdraw. Because I cannot find myself in this darkness.
I tell Bill I need someone to hit it out of the park, not once, but for a whole season. I need a Hall of Famer in my life. I cannot consider anything else right now. Just stepping up to the plate and professing love is not going to be enough for me. I need sustained attention to detail. If that is not forthcoming I will continue to provide my own details.
The night feels dark and as I hang up the phone I realize sleep may well be out of the question for me. I am afraid. I am alone. I think of my Williams and Johns, and maybe a Bob or two. and I think. I am okay with this darkness.
Later I tell one of the cousin’s that it is dark here and I am waiting for the dawn, for I guess Aurora. He tells me to open the shades, it is noon.
Change your perspective you will change your mind.