From three until five I am awake. I try to breathe and clear my mind, but it is not to be. I do bed yoga, stretching and twisting, it is not working either. The first grey rays of dawn in the window. I give up. The dog sighs as I turn on the light.
I draw a picture that makes me think of Frida Kahlo. A woman with her head looking back over her shoulder, her heart attached to her body but beating on the ground at her feet. I imagine a dragon winging through the sky. It cries out and the sound makes me recoil. The venom rains down and I am disgusted by it. Why speak? Can you not be silent? Just be quiet now. Be quiet.
I think of a thorn bush, it protects itself with the sharp cutting prickers. What does it protect? Is it something worthy? I think of a gladiola, its beauty hides the fact that it has no smell, you are drawn in but once there a piece is missing. I don’t know anything any more. I realize daily how little I know, and how really lost I am. Spinning in circles. I do not know or trust what I see. I feel disgust. I am gagging, I am recoiling. Just breathe now. Just breathe.
I pull out an old shirt to paint the walls in. It smells like an another life. I breathe it in and it smells so good. But what does that smell hide? A duplicitous nature? A lie? A dream that only one person believed in? I don’t know. I am at a loss here. Tell me what you want me to do. I cannot go on like this much longer. Just hush now. Hush.
I write, I write, I write. I draw, I draw, I draw, I dream, I dream, I dream, I toss and turn. I greet the dawn.
Suddenly a realization hits me. I am not lost at all. It just feels lost because it is new territory for me. I have never been here before. And then I realized that no moment of my life has ever been experienced previously and the light pours in. All I have is this moment. I spin in circles. Oh yeah. This is where I am now. I notice. I notice. I notice.