Aurora Aurora

From three until five I am awake.  I try to breathe and clear my mind, but it is not to be.  I do bed yoga, stretching and twisting, it is not working either.  The first grey rays of dawn in the window.  I give up.  The dog sighs as I turn on the light.

I draw a picture that makes me think of Frida Kahlo.  A woman with her head looking back over her shoulder, her heart attached to her body but beating on the ground at her feet.  I imagine a dragon winging through the sky.  It cries out and the sound makes me recoil.  The venom rains down and I am disgusted by it.  Why speak?  Can you not be silent?  Just be quiet now.  Be quiet.

I think of a thorn bush, it protects itself with the sharp cutting prickers.  What does it protect?  Is it something worthy?  I think of a gladiola, its beauty hides the fact that it has no smell, you are drawn in but once there a piece is missing.  I don’t know anything any more.  I realize daily how little I know, and how really lost I am.  Spinning in circles.  I do not know or trust what I see.  I feel disgust.  I am gagging, I am recoiling.  Just breathe now.  Just breathe.

I pull out an old shirt to paint the walls in.  It smells like an  another life.  I breathe it in and it smells so good.  But what does that smell hide?  A duplicitous nature?  A lie? A dream that only one person believed in?  I don’t know. I am at a loss here.  Tell me what you want me to do.  I cannot go on like this much longer.  Just hush now.  Hush.

I write, I write, I write.  I draw, I draw, I draw, I dream, I dream, I dream, I toss and turn.  I greet the dawn.

Suddenly a realization hits me.  I am not lost at all.  It just feels lost because it is new territory for me.  I have never been here before.  And then I realized that no moment of my life has ever been experienced previously and the light pours in.  All I have is this moment.  I spin in circles.  Oh yeah.  This is where I am now.  I notice. I notice. I notice.

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