It comes and goes

This feeling I have is overwhelming.  I am in my bed a bowl of ice cream empty by my side.  A good book in my hands, the dog eyeing that bowl.  The cat trying to get more of my attention than the book is getting.  I feel tired, and a kind of alone-ness that is not particularly healthy.  The book I guess is not that good.  My quads ache from hiking up Black Bear Mountain.  Previously I had gone around the back from Uncas Road but this time I decided to try the main trail from the highway.  I take the dog and he cannot manage the slippery granite without a pull up or a push up in some places.  At one point Ben has to reach down and pull me up with both hands.  Were I alone I would take off my boot perhaps and try to get my toe in the toe hold.  But even then my broken right pinky toe is telling me uh-uh forget it.

I am walking alone on a beautiful old growth trail.  It is damp from the heavy rain and a myriad of fungus is growing here.  I hear no cars, just a jet or two passing overhead.  The silence is heavy and seems to bear its own weight.  There air is still and cloyingly damp.  The kids and the dog have run up ahead and I am alone with my thoughts.  It feels good and right to be here.  I feel at peace.  I note only briefly that I haven’t had any negative thoughts.  Notice and let it pass.  Even at the campfire I feel a deep tiredness but it is a good tired like the tired of walking and carrying wood and cooking over an open fire tired.

Once back in civilization I feel the overwhelmingly deep sense of being out of place again.  The intensity between these two feelings, that of rightness of place, of peaceful solitude, and of an acceptance of my aloneness contrasted with the out of place, ugly loneliness and disquiet.  I fall asleep on my left arm book falling to the ground as my right hand relaxes against the night stand and then more.  I wake to the sound and sit up to turn out the light.  Sometime later a text from my cousin and one from drunk boy, but no phone call from the one I am waiting for.  I realize I am waiting in vain.  And I find a tear sliding down my cheek.  Why is the unified being torturing me, what did I do to deserve this karma?  I wrack my brain trying to figure it out, but I cannot.

In the morning I wake and my back aches worse than it did from sleeping on the ground.  My quads ache from that challenging trail, I hobble to the bathroom, bladder aching not from fresh clear water but from a cola and a beer.

And still there is this disquiet in my heart.


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