“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” — the Buddha
I do not want to go in to the house. I tell my daughter that I cannot go in, to please meet me outside when she is done. I cannot face the how is your husband question. I hate telling people. Oh he left me for another woman. But I cannot do anything else. Honesty is not just a word in my dictionary it is the title of my book. I drop her off and go to run an errand and to take my book to a cafe and read in the sun for an hour. My cousin calls, another texts me back and forth about music, and I regret that I haven’t called my friend back, who is facing a divorce and struggling with custody of her child. I would rather sit and have coffee with her than chat about it over the phone but it is no excuse.
I pick up Morgan and the woman comes outside. I tell her how I love that she too feeds her birds in the summer. That they starve due to human encroachment on their habitat. She is very friendly and kind and loving. I have always really liked her positive boisterous energy. I forget who said it Morgan or Will but one of them says you have no idea how many people are standing behind you supporting you and giving you love.
I rattle around my life, on the edges these days. Not really deeply involved in anything. Just a periphery of life. I know I need to make changes, I think it is all part of the transition. I know I have to jump in the water. But I just pace about on the shore. The last time I was in the water I felt I was drowning, I am afraid of that feeling. I know what I must do. I just need to do it. I also know now that if I am drowning that there will be any number of hands reaching in the water to pull me to safety. And some are actually there in the water with me. What a good feeling this is. It is all about love.