For once I think this post might just be about someone else and not me. But then again perhaps this is a small lesson for me.
He was beaten as a child, pretty severely, they tell me he took it out from time to time on small animals. He will deny it though, claims he hates to see creatures and people suffering. The thing is, somewhere in there he learned that he was unworthy of true love, perhaps of any love. He found himself in relationships with people that self destructed, again and again leaving him alone and battered, torturing himself with the pain of loss.
Finally, someone comes along that just absolutely adores him. He doesn’t trust it though. Why on earth does she love me, and eventually he comes to a place where he cannot love her anymore because she loves his ugly naked self so perfectly, and he knows she doesn’t see his darkness, and he cannot live with it anymore.
He confides in someone he thinks is his friend. She too is alone in this ugly world. She comforts him, tells him that his penis is pointing to true north when in fact it is pointing to a hell of his own making. He doesn’t realize it, lies to himself that he is doing what is best for himself. And perhaps in some selfish way he is, but men real men, don’t always do what is best for themselves, sometimes they have to choose to do what is best for the people they are supposed to care about. Or perhaps not.
He confides too in someone who is like the one he is rejecting, is throwing away. She reads each text with a growing horror. She feels like she did nearly two years ago nearly, just about three weeks shy. Her legs feel wobbly and her heart is pounding. What is this ugliness now, dear Universe. What are you trying to teach me here? Not in love with her anymore, seeking companionship with someone new. He has to put himself first.
I hear it like it is my dead husband talking to me (dead to me these days, completely dead to me). I hear it and suddenly understand him. Selfish bastard. Got what you want huh? Happy now?
She is devastated. Wrenched apart. All the women folk an both sides of the family talking karma for him. Thinking he has made a terrible mistake, thinking he is a damn fool. Which really he is. As you sow so shall you reap.
I think about this foolish quest for a loving relationship, and realize that maybe men (manboys) are not all they are cracked up to be. Maybe women should just take their sperm when they are ready for children and then kick their asses out the door. Let them live in their own squalor with the whores who don’t care anyway. And then let us real women, the ones who cannot help but love with all our hearts, who believe that your actions matter, that putting other people first is actually part of doing what is right, let us band together and help each other in the ways that manboys are not capable of. But the problem is that women cannot see that their manboys are not men, this one is different they tell themselves. This one won’t do that.