I wrote in my blog that I am walking around the edges of my life, afraid to dive in. It hurts so much, this life. It is so much easier to be vague and distant. Living on the internet, living in a book, walking alone in the woods, drinking my coffee alone on the back porch. I think of being like a person patrolling the edges, I have my weapons, my defenses, but I am always on the outside of it.
I know how to live. But I cannot. My daughter and I talked about how I didn't clean the house for a year after the husband left. I couldn't. She did, ran the vacuum, cleaned the bathrooms. Did the dishes. I still did the household laundry and mopped from time to time, raked the leaves, shoveled the driveway, mowed the lawn, but I couldn't do housework.
There were home improvement projects left undone too. My ex, whom my next door neighbor describe as a lazy fucker, mainly because her husband helped me more with the outside chores, started projects and never finished them. Recently, we were tearing up the cream colored carpet that he insisted we put in the family room with three cats a dog and a pre-teen, with an outside door and a walk thru to the unfinished basement, when my daughters boyfriend took a smoke break. I said, "guys I really want to get this done today." The boyfriend said I am not (A) we will get it done. I couldn't do those either projects either for two years, this summer I have finished up a lot of it, with the kids help.
Now I cannot cook. I am invited to friend's houses for dinner. I think oh I will make peach cobbler, at the last minute I run to the store and buy a peach pie. I think oh I will make a lovely spring green salad with cranberries and toasted almonds for dinner, but instead I throw a pop tart in the toaster, and crack a beer or a diet coke. I sit around all day in my pj's and write and read and make art and at work I know what I need to do but I do it all at the last possible second and half-assed. The thing is I am a damn good cook, I do it well and when I was actually doing it I did it all from scratch, handmade pie crust, home canned fruit.
It is a symptom of this greater thing though. This living on the periphery. I am avoiding it, living it, whole hog.