I am wordless, for more than a day. I find my mind is trying to wrap itself around something that has appeared on this hazy path I have been on. There is this voice inside my head, inside my heart, it is telling me something but I am plugging my ears and saying lalala I don’t want to hear this. lalala. I trust this voice, but I also don’t trust it. Sure there have been other sign posts. Passers by that said they knew the way and I took their hand for a few steps and said no, I don’t think you do know the way. It is maybe a deeper issue of trust. Maybe they do know the path but I cannot trust that they do. I see and hear what is being said, I hear it and I say maybe for once it is the right thing. I ask my dead father and my dead grandfather to intervene. I ask God to point me in the right direction. Then I say screw that and ask the Goddess, because God doesn’t seem to be listening to me these days. Maybe he has better things to do. Like help my ex husband and his girlfriend or something. He just isn’t sending me what I ask for, not guidance, not surrender, not hope, not even faith.
I can do this alone. I can. I just want to do it with something real standing by my side. No apparitions, no zombies or sheep, I have so many wonderful friends, and my family too. The men that hold me and protect me and tell me how beautiful I am, inside and out. Those men who do not want to make love to me. I bury my face in my pillow. I am this person. I am right here. My eyes are closed but the apparition is still there. It is hard and real. There is no mist and no shadow. I reach out my hand. The apparition turns and leaves. I am a black swan, silently floating on crystal waters. I am the apparition.