Ambiguity is another word for uncertainty. I find myself seeking certainty in one small area of my life but I am not really sure why. I tend to let things unfold as they come, I tend to do things not so much spontaneously because that implies, at least to me a certain bubbleyness that really isn’t me. I tend to let the cards fall as they may. It works. In its own way. But I am at this place in my life where I want it to have meaning. It doesn’t have to have a long lasting meaning, I don’t have to leave my mark on the world. I just want it to have meaning to me. But I am struggling with this, it feels meaningless. And the thing that I think will give it meaning for some oddly ludicrous reason is love. But the thing is I know love doesn’t give it meaning, I know love is just a distraction, but the distraction, the other is to go places with and do things with, to look forward to. It is something other than just spending all of your time alone making choices by yourself.
So what do you do? You find yourself realizing that romantic love is or at least has always been a futile exercise for yourself. And you are stuck in this place where all you do is work and pay bills and dick around. You know you have to stop dicking around and do something, but nothing in this world is free. And you’ve been doing it alone so long that the aloneness is boring. And at this moment I realize that I am bored with myself. One of the problems of an underused intellect, or the fact that you can only search inside yourself so long before you realize yep okay. Thats me, I am not going to change too drastically from here on out. What do other people have to offer? Problem is other people are exploring themselves still or whatever, there is no obligation or desire to spend time with little old me, so I am here. I meditate do yoga, it all seems so pointless.
Volunteer they say, but I volunteer for my work. Yes I get paid, but at the end of the work day I have given so much of my emotional self that I have nothing left, it’s like the rough dregs of camp coffee, there are bits and pieces floating in my emotional reserve but it is basically undrinkable. So what comes next, aren’t you curious? I am not really curious at all, because what appears to come next is further working, sleeping and paying bills. Alone. And I am just not interested in that next. It bores me. There is certainty in it. They say that uncertainty breeds creativity. And here is where ambiguity separates from uncertainty. Ambiguity is so non specific. It holds back with intention the purpose. Is it to teach you something? Why does it hold itself in reserve? I think of the esoteric teachings of Zen and I am wondering if in fact it is trying to teach you something. Here is my question though. Can you not just experience it live or love full and not have it carry a lesson?
I am an empty vessel, and I have a rather large hole in the bottom of this vessel. Nothing seems to fill it up. I want to shatter the vessel with absolute aplomb and move on. It is after all leaking like a motherfucker and it is basically useless to begin with, after all, all it does is work and sleep and pay bills.