Great Quotes · Rants

Feeling Fierce

I re-met this guy recently.  Lets just say that I am floored by the way he acted too.  He was relentless in his pursuit, calling me, texting me, asking me out, I kept saying no.  When I finally said okay, lets get together, things went great.  He is wonderful, really we have much in common, he isn’t perfect by any means.  I am definitely smarter than he is, I think I tend to hang out with people that are of a better class, which in the end doesn’t matter much to me, he has some issues too hasn’t had a great romantic experience, is in long term recovery.  Whatever, I accept him as he is.  He loves art, music, nature, his kids, he works hard, takes care of his family, doesn’t drink or use drugs, never cheated on a partner.  Okay good so far.  But the minute I welcomed him in and said sure lets hang, he immediately started to pull away.  Withdrawing, canceling on me, snatching his arm away when, as I do, I touch it.  Wow.  Okay.  Later a:  I really like you Meg you are special to me, but jeez I cannot talk to you now blow off.  I reacted in a way that I can only sum up as:

“Any insistence that people or circumstances meet our exact expectations is not faith but another effort at control, bound to end in disappointment.” Sharon Salzberg from “Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience”

Okay so I did over-react, like if you are interested then be interested, if not seriously leave me alone.  I guess I got what I wanted because he is seriously giving me the kiss off.

I feel really fierce right now, like a how dare you act all so interested until I returned the interest.  Thinking he is a man, but he isn’t he is boy still.  Give me a break.  He says he still wants to have the opportunity to hang out with me but refuses to speak to me for the most part.   Be honest with people, you aren’t protecting my feelings here, you are just seriously pissing me off.  Well good because suddenly I find myself in this new place.  Which I will sum up as this:

“I am a handful! I am strong willed, independent, and outspoken, I make mistakes, sometimes I am out of control and sometimes hard to handle, but if you cannot accept me at my worst, then you sure as F___don’t deserve me at my best. And my best is spectacular.”

– because truly I am spectacular.  And I know from my experience with J. that if a man truly loves you, he will love you relentlessly and without condition, there are no regrets at all and no matter how much of a shit I may be in reaction to something that pisses me off, seriously, like a major blow off, he comes back for more again and again.  Would that J. did not drink himself into oblivion more or less daily but at least he taught me this small lesson.  I call him late at night.  He makes me laugh and he is laughing too.  But sober which is how I like him best.  I remember his lesson in this moment and I feel even more fierce than ever.

I take this lesson from this boy: If you don’t want what I have to offer, which really is something wonderful: faithfulness, loyalty, and unconditional love not just for you but for the people you love too, then fine, go off by yourself.  I am fierce today, and your blow off brought me to this place which I already had built, thanks for helping me find the door.

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