I like that expression, today is the first day of the rest of your life. It feels like tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. But not so much today. I think tomorrow I will go hiking, tomorrow I will actually eat something that takes time to wash and prepare, tomorrow I will put on a little moisturizer and mascara, tomorrow I will engage in my life. But I actually engaged in my life all day long. I am not eating much basically because everything I eat is disagreeing with my stomach. I haven’t felt great for about 5 days. Not sick, but like my belly, let me amend that, my terribly sensitive belly, is off. I am about to go downstairs in a minute and make homemade peach crisp with lots of oatmeal and sunflower seeds. I think I will make my favorite salad of cucumber slices and kidney beans with raspberry vinaigrette while the crisp is baking.
I talk to J. today too. It was not a deep conversation by any means but it made me smile. I was annoyed talking to my Mom. Sorry Mom, I know she reads my blog. I want to teach her how not to talk to me. I want to ask her how is your husband, have you talked to your brother recently, how is your friend, how is your neighbor. I guess she is like Ben who thinks in terms of space, this person sat here this person was over their and this other person had gone for a walk when such and such happened. Maybe my Mom only relates to people in regards to whom they have interacted with recently. Me I relate to the world with things created, thoughts thought, and hopes and dreams, even when I think my dream feels nightmarish.
I wrote a few more pages on a story I am working on. I have had it in mind for a long time. But now here I am writing it bit by bit. Later I went outside, said a three rounds on my prayer beads, apologizing to Morgan for the huge argument we had, apologizing to RT for what I did to make him not want to talk to me anymore. I also ask the Universal Being to guide me, to help me to see the signs, and to accept my life with gratitude and surrender. After I say the prayer beads, is it 98 times per round? I have never counted. I sit quietly in the chair watching pieces of black walnut rain down from a sycamore branch, watching the birds at the feeder. Waving away flies. Watching the squirrel scamper by with another nut. I think, what was that book I was reading earlier, I want to get back to it, I wonder what is going to happen next. Maybe I am only writing this story for myself, I laugh out loud when I realize that is the story I am thinking of. Then I start to reread Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig, which I last read 21 years ago. It is mosquitoey out back. Which annoys me. And since I have had a handful of lemon wafers, about 15 french fries, two boiled eggs, two beers and a pot of coffee today, (plus one bite of Utica-greens) I think I should probably start that dinner. I come in thinking yes tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I become tangled in the dog’s leash, and realized that right now is the first second of the rest of my life.
It has been a good day. I think I will ride my exercise bike and then knit for a while between the salad and the peaches.