Funny, I am reminded this morning why I started to blog and realizing how far I have come from it. It started out as a simple blog about the passing of the season, buying and eating locally, and photos from my garden. Instead it chronicled the blissful life I thought I was living to the foundation rocking life change, and now here in a new incarnation of that blog which now lies secreted away in the aether of the internet, waiting to be written into the poor woman’s version of Eat, Pray, Love which in my case is, Cry, Meditate, Love.
It has been brutally hot for a few days. Humid 90’s degrees F. The kind of day where you sweat just sitting, where I find myself in search of Gatorade because I feel woosey. I am also going through a period of restlessness at night. Perhaps coinciding with a laziness brought on by the heat and watching a TV series The Sanctuary on NetFlix. (two seasons in about 5 days). I hear the rain start to fall, and at some point realize it is cooler, the air is actually chilly. The dog and two cats incongruously all on the bed with me before sleep, hop down and then early before the birds begin to sing, the dog and one cat back with me, snuggled up close.
I am writing a story in which an alien is in my room, not in the traditional abduction way, differently. And I feel a chill on my spine when I hear a thump from another room. I cannot keep my eyes open, I turn over. In the fuzzy eyeglass free darkness I see nothing. I am half asleep half awake, I hear a voice outside on the street, but the sound is distorted, I think it is in the back of my house. I think of all those times in college that I went into the Zen Garden in the middle of the night, or wandered the streets with my friends, just walking in the night air. I suddenly miss those wanderings. I hear a sound, I think are they calling one of the cats? Then I realize what I am hearing is a bat or a couple near my window and the fan is distorting the sound. I want to turn off the fan but in the haze of half asleep I think I will get it momentarily and then it is dawn and I am shivering in my summer pj’s with the blankets all messy from a fitful night’s sleep half on the bed and half off. The cat is purring like mad. The dog lifts his head and smiles as I scratch him.
I try to pray but my addiction calls me. I go online and yes I am still alone. I look at my phone, I know I can call either of the two Williams in my life, they are both awake. But it is before 6 and social convention prevents me, stupidly. I think of Tia. Who is without a doubt the strongest person I know. Her phone call to me yesterday seeking my council. I am helpless. She repeats a life path again and again that only reinforces her feelings of being unloved. My heart cries out in pain for her. And I realize my own self absorption has left her alone, lonely, unloved. I want to call her too in the wee hours of this chilly morning. To love her as she has wanted to be loved, her whole life.
I am alone in this morning, my house is empty of human life. I am up rattling around in it, while the animals still lie snuggled in the warmth of my bed. My addiction fed, but not with spaghetti and meatballs, a salad and garlic bread, but with those crappy little donuts you get at the gas station, the chocolate frosted ones. I keep praying for the spaghetti, but I keep buying the donuts. Someday I have to stop making choices which bring me to this life path again and again.