I have been doing so much better lately, in my journey back to myself. I have been trying really hard to take the focus off of my issues and start to get back to the things that matter to me, like meditation, yoga, healthy eating, the environment, reading. But the last two or three days my mind has been really swirling around these issues. It is partly the season (Unniversay, Anniversary, Birthdays) but it is something else too. I have these two friends that have only ever known me in context of me being married or going through a devastating breakup of my marriage. I find it very difficult to be around them, and I cannot figure out why, they are both really loving and supportive friends, but why do I want to separate from them at this time? I cannot imagine not having them in my life, but I somehow need to be away from them right now. This morning I think I realized what it might be. I need a break from being the woman who has been abandoned by her husband. I need a break from being the woman who needs to learn to love herself. (vomiting right now, I swear I want to kill the next person who says this to me). Funny when I spent the weekend with a college friend the conversation only turned to the ex in context of a larger conversation. But when I am with the other two friends it comes up in every conversation. They say I am obsessed but the thing is I am not. I barely spoke of him or my broken heart last weekend.
I found myself thinking back to when I was first friends with this woman. I remember I was dating one guy who graduated and had moved on. We had seen each other a couple times over the summer, but months would pass and I didn’t hear from him, although we had not broken up officially, I had thought it was basically over. A once every two months visit and no contact in between does not a relationship make. So I had been sort of casually spending time with this other guy and at the same time a guy I had dated a year earlier had broken up with his girlfriend and was back at school looking to hook up with me. So here I was with three guys interested in me. But with my husband and my friends there was a Meg has trouble with men concept that just wasn’t always the case. I know that my ADK friend knows the wonderful men I dated in college. We actually joked about a duck that wouldn’t leave us alone on our morning paddle on a lovely lake. She said it was in love with me and I said yes but I was just not right for the duck, it realized I was human, and she said If the duck really loved you it wouldn’t care that you weren’t a duck and I laughed and said plus it realized I don’t love myself (I had told her my frustration with these two friends). Our minds had gone to the same place, but she doesn’t see me as a person who doesn’t love myself. Opinionated, strong, intelligent, an attractive member of the human species. It felt good to be with someone who wasn’t clicking her teeth at me the whole weekend.
I spoke to her about this need to reinvent myself. To be someone different, but somehow it almost feels more like I need to return to whom I was before my marriage, the strong, independent, fierce willed, opinionated person I was, but now with this other thing mixed in the creative, quirky, dramatic, energetic, and confident woman I have become. Full of love, music, art and a deep affinity for our beloved planet, my family and my friends. Today is my 43rd birthday. And it feels good to be here my naked self. (I am wearing fleece sweatpants, a long sleeved organic tee and a warm sweater) but my naked self. Real, whole, renewed. I love myself my dear friends, more than you know.