Autumn Rain Illusion

The leaves are turning a golden yellow. A grey rain is falling.  The sumac are a brilliant red, with rich black stems darkened by the rain, against the brown grass.  There is some plant that is rust colored in clumps scattered amongst the browns.  The lump of a hill near my house has mist rising up out of the trees.  It has rained all day.

There is a thing in the back of my mind.  I know I need some solid meditation time to get to it.  It relates to us all being one.  It relates to understanding something that had previously not made sense.  It relates to serendipity, to this thing that we call life.  This illusion, this mask we wear.  I heard someone say something today about how they had to compartmentalize their family while they went off to war.  Couldn’t look at their pictures, talk to them, think of them because if they did they would experience all the emotional trauma of not being with them, of having to leave them.  This hit me hard when I heard it.  I scratch my head why is this so poignant to me?  What could it mean?  Does the person who is able to lock out their thoughts and feelings not have feelings at all?  No it is because those feelings are there and so strong that they cannot face what they have chosen to do.  Why is this resonating with me?

I keep getting this image of a turtle.  It keeps coming to me again and again.  I look up what the turtle means in animistic symbolism.  My steady collection of elephants growing (I told a couple students today that I have around 25 elephants and the little Indian girl told me in her wonderful accent – OH my God that is too many elephants!) I am intrigued by the myth that the world is held up by four elephants standing on a turtle, and the turtle is an avatar of Vishnu.   I remember having this incredible dream three years or so ago, in which I was called in to visit this house, I was told that I must enter it alone, and was sad that I could not enter it with my husband.  Once there, it was a house absolutely crammed with books.  A pleasant and lovely man sat me down and gave me tea, he showed me his art books which were rare and exquisite.  I asked him his name and he told me it was Vishnu.  It was a special dream.  I awoke knowing it was special.  The turtle is a symbol of  uniting heaven and earth, and it is also a symbol of wisdom of Mother Earth.  I don’t believe animals are ever negative symbols, why do so many animals portend evil in Christianity?  Yet another reason for me to eschew it.  Everywhere I look I see turtles, is it Vishnu again?

I heard the other day this marvelous quote about how God wants us to bury our pain being creative.  I don’t remember where I saw it.  I like this.  I think of my dream of Vishnu.  I try to remember what he wanted to show me but I cannot remember.  But the dream comes back to me now.  I am trying to grasp what this all means.  I do not know. I need to meditate on it awhile to try and see if I can understand it.

I feel like everything is perfect even though sometimes, just sometimes I am so depressed I want to curl into a ball and float across the heavens with the rain.

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