It has been a rough couple weeks for me, some stuff has been happening that seemed to have been well kept and well hidden for some time. I am beginning to see that I have left my house a disorganized mess for a while and only just now am realizing that some stuff might have started to spoil in the corners. It also seems to be animal attack week. I think I have a sign over my head that says, say whatever you want to me, it’s okay. And sadly only bad things are being said. See what I said about that moral compass. I guess I am not pointing true north right now since about four people have really lined me out this week. It is interesting I guess that out of those four people at least two are trying to manipulate me. I can see that but on another level I find myself stopping to see if they might hold some truth in their words. I don’t even know.
My daughter has recurrent Zombie dreams and has all of her life. I am obsessed these days with Zombies. Zombies keep coming up for me in many ways. It started out as a story I am writing, but quickly has turned into people sending me Zombie books, and links, and mentioning Zombies. I want to know what it means, and think perhaps it is just harmless fun. But what if Zombies were real. How would you respond to the imminent invasion of Zombies? What do you do when Zombies attack? Are you a runner? A fighter? I hider? A give yourself up to get it over with person? Where would you go to get away from the Zombies? I am thinking about Zombies what does it mean to have them there? What could they symbolize in the human psyche?
I have been dreaming alot about hearth fires. I dream of double fireplaces. Of lighting and burning fires in old ancestral houses that are chill but the fire I light adds intense warmth. I have been dreaming that I am tending the fire. I am worried that the chimney needs cleaning and the fire is one that is not wanting to stay lit, either it is banked poorly or the draft is causing problems or the wood is wet. At any rate I have the fires lit and am tending them in various rooms of my ancestral house. I just realized a couple days ago that it was the hearth fire that is key. This has to be somehow about family and tending to it, and my own ability to light the fire and keep the fires burning.
I am thinking about my daughter and worried too about her. She is going through a rough spot, and I want her to be okay. I am afraid that I am messing things up despite my very best efforts at trying to help. I am at a loss though. I do not know what to do to help her. I do not know what to do to support her. The fire is sputtering, the wind is howling, there are Zombies moaning outside the door and I am not sure what to do to keep the fire lit and to keep the Zombies from coming. I realized late in the night last night that I do DO need to start getting my butt out of bed on Sundays and return to the Zen Center. I need to make sure I keep my tinder dry, and that I keep the starter coal burning, and maybe a little flint would help. In the end I find myself realizing that my life is kind of a train wreck. Pretty much for a really long time. I am ready for a horse and rider to come over the bend with a couple of spare mounts. We kind of need to get away from this mess.