I have had alot on my mind these days but am finding it hard to put some of my thoughts into words. There are some deeply deeply personal issues that are weighing heavily on my mind, on my heart. The first is that although I believe in a higher power, God if you will or more like god, or maybe the goddess, or maybe the universal being, I don’t really know. I just have always believed that there is a one being or one spirit. But lately I feel myself turning away from this concept. I find it does not offer me any solace, nor any peace.
I have given up on asking this universal life force to help me find a relationship. I feel this overwhelming feeling that I am unworthy of it anyway. The last year and a half has shown me that even if I was worthy, the men who are single that I have met are just not fabulous human beings. It makes me feel nauseous how awful those situations have been. Then I find myself asking okay so what is wrong with me? I too am single, just as those men have a reason for still being single, so must I. Just as I am disgusted by men that ask to borrow money for gas (true), who drop their pants in a public park right in front of me (true), who dry hump my leg like a dog (true), who constantly make the same joke about their first sexual encounter being with a sheep (oh boy is this true?), and all the others that I find myself feeling so unbearably saddened by, that I cannot continue.
One such person, still in love with his ex-wife, friends with people who trade him prescription meds for beer, and whom he has watched participating in girl on girl sexual encounters with (and told me he didn’t participate in because he loves me so much) swears he loves me but spoke to me about 5 times in 5 months and then suddenly returned like Johnny in The Shining, calls me up drunker than drunk and never remembers our conversations and cannot get it that I sleep from 1030 ish to 5 in the morning, wakes me around 1 or 2 every morning with a phone call or a text which makes it so I cannot sleep. I find myself truly in a place of complete and utter incomprehension. His true friends, the sexy drug and beer trading one hates me, the ex wife disses me every chance she gets, and he seems to relish the drama. His brother is a pathological liar and has tried to involve me in the drama of their lives, oh and what other fun and joyful things are in store for me? I find myself doing awful things, and acting horribly, like a crazy person. I realize suddenly that this is what is meant by the disease of drug and alcoholism, I am a symptom of the problem.
And that is it, I am realizing that my feelings about the divorce, and the fall out that has happened to my child and me because of it, the way I felt about myself when he left – I find myself disgusted with my own humanness, the aging face, the constantly stuffy nose this fall, my own body odor, the way I eat, the fact that I cannot seem to get to the yard work this fall. The headaches and IBS have returned as though my body is turning on itself too.
I have avoided the Zendo, I have missed yoga consistently, and it is too damn rainy to exercise, and when it isn’t I am generally doing the extra part time job at work. I feel scattered, I lack concentration, I am low and my heart is heavy. It is not depression it is a feeling that none of this really matters, there is no God to judge, that when my life has ended it will be one less body to use up resources, and that in the end I am really not so fabulous, just an ordinary and average person with little to offer. It is a feeling of malaise, of turbidity, of dis-ease. I continue to contemplate, I continue to quest for meaning. I continue to create. I continue to love. I just don’t really know what or perhaps whom it is is all for.