Emphasizing the disorder of our lives. I guess this is what I mean by being a Zombie girl. Embrace that urban decay, embrace the decay of the spirit, embrace the fact that you are an outsider. Be who you are, right here and right now. So easy to write these words. To tell yourself that it is okay to be this way. Don’t try to rationalize it. Right. The formality of so many things is this feeling of lifelessness. I read the words and they hit me, hard. This formality is lifeless. Zombies are not lifeless, it is the formality that is lifeless. The lack of creative impulse, the lack of new thoughts and new ideas. The lack of ability to work outside the confines of established norms. It isn’t okay to be different, or is it?
“The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous.” I don’t want to control people, I just want to get some sense of control over my own life. This spiraling sense of nothing working is overwhelming, just try to get control of it. Try to keep the sludge from spilling out and boom you are caught misbehaving, caught with your pants down, caught like a deer in the headlights, uh what did I do? Shit. Here we go again. And for me, and I am laughing almost hysterically or well yes with hysterics, I always get caught. One time I was late for work by about 10 minutes and it was the ONLY time I had been late in at that time 6 years of employment. Guess what? Yep, my boss had a meeting and was in the parking lot parked right next to the only empty space left in the lot. Caught. Try to order your life. You will fail. Or at least I will.
I come back to this idea that not everyone is one of the lucky few. Can I embrace the fact that I will never get chosen for duck duck goose? Can I embrace the fact that if I screw up I will get caught, big, even if I don’t intend to screw up someone WILL take offense. Can I embrace the fact that no matter how good I think I am doing and motoring along just fine, there will be slippage, spillage, oozing heaps of it?
“Just watch (yourself) and don’t try to control (yourself).” Good advice. Just watch myself fall on the ice, just watch myself as I lie on the ground looking up at the blue sky, just watch myself as I try to get my footing. Just watch myself as I pull the ring from your finger and the waves knock me down, and the sand is torn from under my feet. I cannot say I wasn’t warned. I was.
I try to gain control. And I don’t and now I realize that I won’t, I won’t ever gain control.
I have to be okay to with that. I have be okay to just watch as the same things happen over and over again.
Embrace this self that you are, stop trying to fit into the mould of someone else’s construction.