I dream that I am a being of equal parts dark matter and burning fire, I am trying to reach an escape pod, I want to get out of the space station that is on the verge of destruction. A man stops me and we are talking intensely and then he kisses me and tells me he cannot wait to kiss me again, even if it is in another lifetime, but it is no ordinary man, it is my nemesis.
This dream wakes me and it is the harbinger of a not particularly good day. I lie awake along while waiting for it to pass. I get to work and my back is aching, threw it out taking off a sock. Really. I go to move some papers and slice my finger and again, this time it bleeds. Over the course of the next four hours four papercuts altogether, two that bleed and three underneath my fingernails.
I find myself in the afternoon, in the place I thought I had abandoned well behind me. It is a place where self loathing and doubt roar through me like a jet engine flying over head. I catch my breath and wait for it to pass. If I could sit I would but my back will not support it, if I could do yoga I would but I cannot, I cannot even get outdoors to let the earth soothe these feelings. I am stuck waiting them out.
That kiss. Kiss that steals my confidence, and takes away my soul. I do not wait for it. I do not want it. Go away I whisper as I close my eyes. Why can’t you just go away.
I take the pearl out of my hands and hide it away in a cache inside me. I don’t even want anyone to see it right now. Because I know it is a beautiful amazing jewel, but I also know that not everyone can appreciate it, and I suddenly have no desire to share it, just in case.