honestly not so bad

I say I am not doing well this week, but honestly it is not so bad.  I mean yes my forearms are aching from chipping at ice that still hangs from my eaves.  Yes I am sick to death of the endless days of snow, while the rest of the world is annoyed by a few small storms of the century my banks are over five feet high and every single day there is at least a couple of inches on the ground.  It gets tiresome.  Usually in February I am depressed, but this year the snowshoeing and realizing that only certain trails at Clark Reservation are closed, but not all, has me getting outside as much as possible.  My cabin fever, at least, is small.  The children at work, that is another story.  I still am struggling with laryngitis but it is lessened, I just cannot belt out the tunes or chant as I would like.  And the dreams.  Nemesis Kiss was a good dream, with a bad element, and despite the way it took my breath for a moment, it was a strong dream of deep meaning to me.  The truth is I have a huge crush on a guy and it is a perfect match for me, I joke, he says he wants to hang out but is always too busy.  An absolutely perfect match.  My crush grows larger.  I laugh at myself, snorting.

I dream of the stag and the spring rut.  I dream of an evil creature in a black jeep that I am so scared of, I scream with rage and I awake, it is a powerful dream, I see my fear and anger, and I know what it all means.  It is profound.  I dream of a warm beach with coconut palms and a tiki hut, I dream of a man waiting with open arms as I splash out of the sea.  I dream of cooking a dinner, nothing fancy, just dinner and feeling strong arms wrapped around me.  I dream of my daughter’s laughter.  When I wake I accidentally knock her cell phone off a chair.  Mom!  She yells, then laughs as I am trying to hug her which is why I knocked off the cell phone.  She hugs me back.  Six months ago she might have raged for the whole day.  Text me she calls as I leave, any time you drive anywhere today tell me when you are safe.  The roads are awful, as usual.

Honestly this is all not so bad, considering where I have been.

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3 comments on “honestly not so bad

  1. Yeah a big huge giant crush. And all for what? Trust me, it is all in my mind. I am laughing at myself right now because you have no idea…..and neither does he because he won’t hang out with me! ARRGGGHHH!

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