“A desire arises in the mind. It is satisfied immediately another comes. In the interval which separates two desires a perfect calm reigns in the mind. It is at this moment freed from all thought, love or hate. ” Swami Sivananda
I watch a finch and a female cardinal trying to dig the last bits of black oil sunflower seeds out of the feeders. I am out and need to get more. I do have a suet cake left so I put that out for them. It will probably melt in this heat but it has seeds in it. I also watch a grackle try to climb the shepherd’s hook and then slide down the slick metal pole despite its grasping claws and a beak that is trying to grab too. I put down my book, and just notice the space between the trunks of two trees, it is so green and the contrast of the dark trunks draws my eye, my mind, my heart to it. It has a profundity of feeling that catches me. I remember something my art teacher in high school said about noticing not just the objects, but that which is between the objects. I think now with my grown up brain that was a very Zen comment coming from a Mormon. I breath and try not to think of anything, just my breath and I feel suddenly like this time in my life is like a space between objects. I relish the time with my book, the lazy nap in the chair, the time to write, to make art, to walk and bike. It feels good somehow to just do these quiet things that I like best and not have to be running off somewhere on an errand, or answering a text, or even having to get up to cook for someone when I am quite satisfied with my bowl of macaroni salad and a bowl of soy ice cream. I had a big salad and some Bing cherries for lunch and another bowl of mac salad for breakfast. (using Plus pasta (high protein and fiber) green peas, celery, scallions, eggs and tuna it is a very nutritious high protein breakfast). So I feel actually quite full and satisfied.
I feel sometimes, and only sometimes, like I could really live this kind of quiet life, with visits from friends and family. But sometimes, and only sometimes, I still want a lover. Just not one who will steal these moments away from me.