I pick her up after a long walk at Clark Reservation. I have walked there more days than not since it stopped raining. The daily constitutional in my neighborhood, even in the drizzle, is replaced by my daily walk in the woods. The dog reveling. I am not really thinking much, just one foot in front of the other. A stupid mistake at work leaving me feeling ashamed and stupid. But really I am just really letting my mind drift. There are alot of bumblebees out here today. Two youngish looking men say hello to me with my red and blond hair and my scarf wrapped round my head. They both double take when they look at me and their friendly hellos turn to beaming smiles. I smile back. But my heart is sodden and sullen. I love these melancholy days. How they leave me caught in the deepest darkest pools of this cold cold river.
I think about God and how I want so much to believe, but in these days when I ask for something to help get me through, I find nothing, and I think this is what God wants, is for me to finally learn the lesson of accepting what I have here and now with nothing else coming. Take what you have and be grateful. I stand on Pulpit Rock. I say thank you over and over. I do so treasure this place, my dog, even if I have no choice but to find that treasure alone.
We go to the store for cotton balls, and face wash. We are talking and friendly but I am not all the way here. Mama Llama she says sweetly, don’t be grumpy. Not grumpy I said tired. I actually got up in the night and watched TV for a couple hours. She says I thought so but I couldn’t believe you would actually do that. I had a bad dream, really bad. I tell her, I dreamed he came back and told me he wanted to come home, and there in the middle of Target I start to cry. She wraps her arms around me and I cry on her shoulder, she pats my back and tells me she loves me. I hate those damn dreams I say wanting to pull away, she doesn’t let go. I know, I am sorry. Me too I say. I just absolutely hate it, it’s like torture. She holds me there in the middle of the store.
I can speak of all the lesson in the world, and all that I have learned, but there is also this, reality.