“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
It seems likely to rain, but I figure I can walk at least a bit before it actually does rain, and plus it is that kind of warmish spring evening where only a drenching downpour will truly disappoint. I usually walk hard and fast in the evenings, trying to tire my limbs and work off the problems of the day but tonight I clasp my hands behind my back and walk like a monk with his begging bowl. Eyes a few feet ahead of me. Mind on my breath. Well at least attempting to be on my breath. I find my thoughts are really a bit of a bramble right now. Tearing at my clothes and leaving me feeling scratched and itchy. I beg the divine for some relief, the same divine that I thanked this morning as I put on my shoes, the same divine I asked to guide my thoughts and actions today. The same divine that had me taking that one wild child today and embracing him, watching his face light up as I gave him attention that he thrived on. In that moment I say one. One breath. And a few breaths catch me, I see the wet road stretching out ahead of me and for one second can feel the living energy of the earth. But soon my mind is wandering again. I wander the roads, no straight path, turning, slowly taking one step ahead of another. Time passes the walk not long but an hour of thoughtfulness. I am working on a problem that has no solution. The serenity prayer is my mantra. Accept what I cannot change, accept what I cannot change, accept. I see a flowering dogwood white in the dusk, and it seems to positively glow. I find myself wishing we could find the good people in the world just by seeing them glow like this tree. I find myself thinking of the man I was dating a couple weeks ago, and I cannot remember for a moment what kind of car he drove. You think you are familiar with a person but it is washed on. Two people have asked me recently to think what will life be like for me in 15 years, what was it like 15 years ago. Yes. That is it, I was waiting for my soon to be husband to arrive. Now I am just waiting for my addled brain to give me peace. The world is a dark place, and although I am sometimes a very very dark character in my own stupid novel, I think I am like the flowering dogwood, I tend to glow from the inside, mostly. I know I am a good person, a decent person, an honest person, an intelligent person, a creative person. But obviously I have a certain thing that I lack, I lie to myself. Damn blue funk. Go away. One. One breath. I start to fall into the pattern of asking for a sign as to what I should do. And then I say no. I want no sign, I just want to walk one foot two foot. The dog walks beside me. The clouds are glorious. The are lit from behind. No lantern to guide my way. No flowering dogwood glow. I return home to the smell of lilies of the valley, tiny bells ringing in the smell of angels. I pick three and the dog and I sniff them happily. The air is perfumed with lilacs. I whistle as I walk into the back yard where my daughter is waiting keyless. It is a lovely night.