And other quotes. I think of this quote that says that your true character is shown when you are in the midst of troubles. That being the case I am a weak blubbering fool with an anger management problem. Later after the initial um cleaning up of my entrails from the blast that knocked me back a few hundred yards, knees knocking in an oceanic puddle of tears, with venom like a cobra milk collection lab, later I am not so, traumatized. Another thing comes from me, a return to myself, a return to confidence, a return to strength and this time so much stronger, a collection of dear friends, and warm companions, writing, and the little stuffed animals that populate my life, and a return to the natural world, and my family. My character? Yes in the face of devastation I fell to pieces, in the aftermath I am a warrior. Battle gaze woman. I am not sure the next blow will find me in such a state but when it hit, yes my character showed weakness, a brutal unsurpassed weakness. And as fro the venom, I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.
I stop her in the hall, the woman who told her addict husband that she was leaving him, he proceeded to jump head first off a bridge, she is waif like ghost like. I tell her I thought of her when I looked at the magnet I bought for my daughter. I bought her two, one that shows Rosie the Riveter saying WE CAN DO IT! and one that says go on with a spirit that fears nothing, I tell her this quote. And I can see her sadness so deep, I hug her. I don’t know if I helped her. Maybe I even caused her some trouble. But I want that for her, just as I wanted it for myself. Just as I want it for my child.
I am driving to my friend Bill’s house for a single women party. Not on purpose I guess but here we all are a group of single late 30 somethings and early 40 somethings sitting around drinking mojitos and beer and not one of us is in a relationship. I have this notion inside me that I am not sure I can name. I think that the pirate brought me here. I think somehow that unless I can have that elusive thing I want, I want nothing. No really, if I cannot have that guy who matches the list, I don’t think I want anyone. I can throw out some things on the list, a TV in the bedroom maybe, but not the rest, not the outdoors, not the creative side, not the sense of humor, not the desire to travel, not the love of music (and by love of music I mean someone who does not just listen to pop country and old rock and roll, I want someone who actually loves music). I yearn for the guy I met that meets this criteria. I force myself to do nothing. I am afraid.
So much for that spirit.