I am in a weird place, I find it hard to put words to it, find it hard to name it, but it is not my usual place at all. It feels almost like that point in the giving birth process, this point of transition. I am struggling with some of the things that people tell single women, the “if you give up it will happen”, thing. So should I pretend to give up so it will happen? So if I give up and it doesn’t happen what then? Oh honey you need to learn to love yourself? Really what makes you think I don’t love myself. I have a lot to offer, I am of good character, am attractive, intelligent and have a good job, do you see something I don’t? Yes I need to lose about 40 pounds. Oh no you don’t honey you are juicy, you are hot. Yes but listen I do need to lose 40 pounds (apparently acknowledging that you need to lose weight is admission of not being in love with yourself). As I guess is saying I am pretty, and attractive but I am not beautiful (because I am a pretty good judge of beauty and I know I am not. Its okay with me that I am not beautiful. I do have a drop dead gorgeous smile and beautiful eyes.) BUT you ARE beautiful. Okay I guess being honest with myself is another way of admitting I am not in love with myself. Ack. I run circles around myself. But the fact is that the guy I really like, is making it pretty clear he doesn’t really like me I wish people would just bust out and say it. I for one and confused by the signals and as shy as a kid around him so I have to throw my hands up, and the prospects elsewhere are slim to none, so what is a girl to do? This girl is cranky.
I am tired of it all to be honest. I am tired of dwelling on these issue, I am tired of looking, I am tired of waiting, I am tired of knowing I have so much to offer and not really getting any offers. I scream and curse and plead, and whine, and yet nothing. NO THING is changing. I give up. I am walking away. But I have a plan.
They say if you are going to do something just do it, don’t tell people or it will ruin your chance to do it. Where on earth do people come up with these stupid things anyway? I don’t know, and I hate them. You should be fined every time you say shit like this to people. Grr.
I have started walking to fill the place where this stuff jumps in to my brain. Yesterday I pulled the bike out of the shed and rode it around the neighborhood. I need a new bike. I was going to buy a kayak, but between the roof rack, the life vest, and the boat I think it is too much for me this year. Note to self, save better! Okay but now I have money set aside for something. I research bikes, I know what I need, and where I will ride it. I need to get out more, I need to fill the empty places. TV doesn’t do it for me, and frankly that 40 pounds will not lose itself (nor from experience will exercise and eating right but oh well, I can try).
The other truth is I have noticed that my blood pressure has been up a bit, puffy fingers and feet particularly in the morning, a little more exercise cannot be a bad thing.
There is more. I cook the quinoa that has been in my freezer for months. I warm it up for breakfast with vanilla soy milk and maple syrup. Lovely. I eat my hummus and veggies for lunch. I get home do I want mac and cheese from a box, yeah no not really, I love whole fresh slow food, why am I not eating more of it. Why am I not doing what I know my body thrives on? What of my blog I think, what will I write about if it isn’t this daily angst and troubles of my mind and heart.
I would rather write nothing I guess than keep whipping my own backside. I have had enough.
The sun is shining, the air is warm, the breeze is glorious, I find myself wondering what Clark Reservation is like right now. I think I need to hunt down my boots. And maybe start shopping for street sneakers, and a bike. I cannot sit here any longer wishing because the truth is what I wish for, may never come.