I am at yoga and I am reminded just how much I dislike it these days. It saw me through a heap of trouble but now I am at odds with the teacher. It is my own fault.
I tell Morgan I don’t want to go to the beach, I am stressed. Why she asks, because I worry so much about you these days, because I have my own troubles. Like waking up at 3am every day for the last week, the tangled sheets and twisted quilt and pillow 5 feet from my bed are a testament. Not even valerian and melatonin are doing it for me. It reaches a point where it wears on me so.
I text the Armenian and tell her no to dinner, I am stuffed from my ham and cheese lunch. Doesn’t she just want to go for a walk, she doesn’t answer. Ah but the pirate does. He is away at sea, and I stand on the shore awaiting his return but when I get home, and I begin to walk I realize I cannot stand here any longer. Seek first to understand, but what I understand is a long life of anticipation of waiting waiting waiting, always with a good excuse for the waiting. I realize that I cannot do this again. Seek first to understand but when does that understanding rain on top of me? I continue always without it. I need to learn that only I can give myself what I want.
I play tennis with her badly. I go to the beach with her finally and do not complain. Later we are both sunburned. Inside and out. I Thanks for the day she says before she leaves for work. Yes it was a good day.
My uncle’s woman tells me that I am a wonderful woman, a good role model, funny and fun to be around. I start to cry. I cry until I have to walk with my eyeglasses hooked to my tshirt. When I finally stop the dog looks up at me and lays his head on my knee. I pat him gently. I get it I say to him. You are my unconditional love. And I am yours. I have to learn to be content with this. Miles of walking. Small gestures of love and ignoring the shitty things people say, and learning that if a person isn’t into me, no amount of good cheer, kindness, honesty, humor and love will make them be into me.
The prayer on this walk is one not just of giving up my will to God, but one of accepting that this may not actually be what I hoped for. Not any of it. And that is why I am here daisy in hand saying I trust, I trust not. There is no love on these petals.