He tells me to take every single thing he ever gave me and burn it.
I cannot excise 10 years of my life.
He tells me to take all my fear for this new thing and put it someplace.
And take it out only when I need it.

I close my eyes and there is my fear
manifest as a great dragon, gunmetal grey
its armored head tosses
and its broad strong shoulders push their way into me.
How can I control something larger than myself?
Put the dragon in a box?
It would be like boxing rain
both the fighting kind
and the water in a box
in the box is a grain of salt for every tear i have cried.

I tell him, I really like this one
in the last three years, I have dated true enough
but this one is special.
I tell them both.
but to the one I belie my heart and tell him the red rose doesn’t suit
the pink would be better.

I belie my heart and tell him I only like him this much
I hold my forefinger and thumb apart just a little ways.
its fear that keeps me from confessing
my sins are so great.
it hisses at me
whispering things that I cannot bear to hear
I find myself cowering in shame
in shame of my body
all the ugly things it absorbed
in shame of myself
all the blows I took to my spirit
in shame of how I let him break me
and I cannot feel this shame again
it is as though the dragon can eviscerate me.
and his ghost can still stand over me and call me unclean

because my bowels are exposed to the world.

i can only strive to stuff them back in and for what?  Approval that will never come.

i tell him nothing.

i tell myself this pablo neruda poem. i love you and i do not love you.
but when I read it.

it leaves me shaken.
i had forgotten this poem.
and in remembering it, is see how truly dark the shadows are.


i whisper

please let me love you

for i see no other way to defeat you.

the dragon snorts
it is hard to hold onto to something that sears the flesh so.


4 comments on “

  1. thank you seasweetie, it is one of those things where i feel like no one I know truly gets it. and even i am shaken to the core sometimes with how deeply this hurts and how hard it has been to shake it.

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