It is after 4am and I wake up suddenly and instantly, there is much to be done today. Speaking of cleaning studio’s, speaking of claiming my space, speaking of the add on of screw this I have my own boat (see post from two days ago!) I was up late caught in a great story by Iain Banks called Matter, I am not sure how I chose this book but it does have a few small steampunk artifacts in it that make me grin as I read them. The story itself took a couple chapters and a few months really for me to get into, it is not the deliciously decadent read of a Sookie Stackhouse novel, but after The Wasp Factory by the same author I was determined to put some effort into it and that has paid off. There are many gems in the book that I wish right at this moment that I had bookmarked, but caught in the story I of course did not.
My friend Bill told me in a text a few days ago that I shouldn’t allow myself to get caught up in this one, this man, to let my life circle around him. It is hard to do that of course, and although I enjoy the freedom from inane text messages like I am working up a sweat now, or rude ones late at night telling me how much smarter he is than I, I wish things were progressing faster. I laugh as I read this, they are of course progressing at a normal speed right? Three years of awareness, one mid winter date that had me at hello, and then three months of nada, two months of friendship, and what now? A month of something more. What do I expect? It is progressing as it should, the problem of course is with my expectation. Right? And here is the rub for me, I don’t actually know. That is right read it and scratch your noggin. I truly don’t know how these things are supposed to progress. With Morgan’s father it was a couple weeks of intense poetry and love fests while listening to Bobby McFerrin and hiking in Letchworth State Park. Oh yeah. And look how all that turned out. With the ex whom I still cannot name. Grr. It was months of letters back and forth an intense mental connection that in real life was just a freakin’ mess of we really don’t belong together. But alas we are. What is normal? What isn’t normal perhaps is my worry no concern no ______ you fill in the blank, that I am somehow not worthy. Not worthy? Why not worthy? Perhaps when I belch aloud it will offend (as it did the ex) I intentionally do it even when I might actually do it quietly, just to make sure he knows I am not a feigning delicata, I wear my Birkenstocks even when I am wearing my high heeled sandals at home, why? because I want to be sure that I am acceptable in whatever shoes I chose to wear. I intentionally do not wash when I think he may ? be stopping by, still in my too short older green sundress with a stain on the chest, and I have been working hard in the studio, Why? so that he will know that I am myself, and sometimes that self is not a perfect little sparkling flower. I want to be worthy, but I do not want to be worthy by someone else’s standards, I want to be worthy as I am. I am annoyed so much by the fact that the constant walking has had no effect on my body, and I hate that I am so damn pudgy. I worry that I will somehow not be physically attractive, which is really so very hard. I know I was not this to my ex husband, apparently he prefers skinny boobless latinas, whereas I am an German, Irish, Scottish and English lass with hips, and boobs and all exercise does for me is make my muscles thick. I would have been back in the fields breastfeeding my own and someone else’s bairn within a week of giving birth. My blood is red, through and through, there isn’t anything blue about it. I look at a pic of my sister’s friend and I standing side by side, and I realize we are the same size, but as she struggles to get up the steps and the long hill back to the car, I am able to leap up them, and move along at a good pace. I know I am healthy but by the standards of Hollywood, and the modern man, I got the junk in the trunk. I wish it weren’t so. I am annoyed by it. But what can I do really? I suppose I could cut out carbs from my diet altogether but why. I love pasta and bread now and then, and mashed potatoes.
So where is the dragon. The fierce refusal to let myself get captured by this good knight? Yeah it isn’t there. Some people tell me play hard to get, don’t wait around for him and if you are waiting around don’t be available to him. But what if I want to be? I even go out and buy his brand of beer to have on hand, although I hesitate for at least a week, afraid he will hit the road at any moment. Or that he will say something that will be like a punch in my stomach, “I see myself getting married just not to you, but wait for it I may come around eventually”. I laugh, no instead he uses his aging relatives as an excuse to not spend time with me. I try to be understanding but I ask myself over and over, is this the I have work to do in the lab ruse that means another woman is in the picture? Or that he wants any excuse he can find to not spend time with me? And will this pattern continue for the rest of my life, never available to me, but always someone else is the priority. I feel neurotic a little. I annoy myself. But aren’t these good questions?
Here is another good question, if I am getting 20 hits or more a day on this blog why are none of you commenting. Come on people give this fierce woman some sugar. Thank you. ❤