Anger Eats Peace

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.  ~K.T. Jong

A man in passion rides a horse that runs away with him. ~Thomas Fuller

I am like a horse with a bit in its mouth, chewing over the stupidity of my own mind.  I am angry.  I cannot help it.  I walk in the dappled sunlight that sparkles brilliantly through the long shadows of the trees.  I am cold and for a moment the leaf strewn spaces are white and there is nothing here but snow.  Then I am back to reality and I am breathing heavily and sweating in the windy evening.  I smell of bug spray.  My knee hurts and hurts worse as I step badly banging it against a tree that has fallen over the path.  I am not paying attention and I step badly and twist the opposite ankle as well.  I am like a lumbering animal, blind, stupid and ignorant.  I feel the weight of my body, yes if only I ate better or walked more or exercised harder.  Yes that’s it.  But angry I think and what of the if only’s in my own heart.  If only you loved me, if only you were as into me as I you, If only I were thinner, younger, if only I hadn’t spent half the afternoon torturing my stupid self.  I suddenly feel angry for how intelligent I am, this half assed smart enough to think, to wonder for the meaning, to question but not genius enough to have the answers or not care.  And not dumb enough to just go through life with the television on.  Mouth breathing.  Whom am I angry at anyway.  Myself, for all the stupid shit I chew over and over.  And what about meditation.  It helped right?  So why did I stop?   Lazy.

Even being here in this place, I cannot find peace.

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