big fat f^%$,

Naughty finger

It is clear to me as I look at the stars trying to shine through the light haze of city night that what is in front of me is nothing but empty space.  I will not look at any object in the possible light of my vision, I turn away as my heart is breaking.  I hold my knees close to me, arms wrapped round myself, protective.  I am still always protecting myself, I know no one else will.  How can I not be strong?  No one will ever defend me.   I suddenly feel cold, really cold and I want to walk away.  How many stand in judgment?  How many?  Can you not stand in defense?

It is a struggle always this, I deserve better, I am so strong, but I am just a child, weeping.  I deserve more than you are willing to give, and I am so stupid to believe it will come to me.  I have more faith in mankind than they deserve.  That is my greatest weakness is it not?

I don’t see what you see, but I do see what you do not.  I know what I have done, I know where I have been, I know my position is strongly defensible.  But you will not defend me.  I find my back is turning to the moon that is shining.  And I feel no warmth from it.

I see why you are alone.  I cannot figure out yet why I am.

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2 comments on “big fat f^%$,

  1. You are NOT alone sweetie… I’d be defensive too if I knew the person in front of me had no other agenda except to suck the life out of me. A kick in the balls is what he deserves! &%#&*@ >:-$

    • I was mad as hell let me tell you, but after a couple of days I talked to him about this, and he actually listened. Who knows if it will stick, men sometimes have a disconnect to their brains. At the same time I am in a place where I am withholding trust, I have been burned and am a little shy of getting burned again. Patricia. I love you.

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