I am wound like a spring about as tight as it will go. POP! I hurt someone I love, POP! I have hurt myself. My mind is out of control spinning, frantic. Wounded, deeply, I am still grieving. I don’t know it. I wind myself up. I cannot go on like this anymore.
Steps taken. An old boyfriend, who is a personal trainer is my first call. Help me I say. I cannot go on like this. He promises to help. You can do this he says, judging from what you are doing now, it is some simple steps. Try this, do this check back in with me in a few days, I will do what I can. I am so grateful.
I return to one, I return to the Zen Center. My mind is a cacophony. I try hard to quiet it. It will not hush. Dokusan. Shinge Roshi asks, where have you been? Why have you not made an appointment and talked to me about what is going on? I weep in front of her. You have been wounded deeply. You are still grieving. There is no timeline on grief. Start where you are. And continue to put your mind to your practice. I know I say. It has been the thing that has given me peace. I know I have to return to it. I tell her. I messed up. She gives me amazing advice. And says, you have taken steps to make sure it never happens again, he will see that you are sincere, and if he doesn’t well, he is not really worth it. But he is, I say. He really is. But also I hear her. I really hear her. And I know her words are truth.
For a moment my mind is quiet and I feel peace. I am so happy for it, though it is brief. I know that practice will bring relief.
Warm loving hugs from dear friends. Welcome back, we have missed you. You look so good, your hair is so becoming, you look wonderful. I know that practice will bring acceptance.