I do not want to lose my footing, in flip flops on the sand covered artificial wood ramp that we are walking down. I try to take his arm because the railings are too wide to grip. I don’t want to lose my footing because of my knee injury, if I hyper-extend the knee it will not be good. He instructs me to put my hands on his shoulders, and baby step by baby step we make our way down the slippery ramp. I try to look beyond him to see what is ahead, but I cannot see, his body is blocking my view, which I find frustrating. I realize suddenly that this is a potent symbol. I have to trust him, I have to accept being blind for the moment for my own protection. In that instant I gave up control, and I gave over total trust. It was a relief.
I give up control, for I know I have none.
Later after writing the above and after sitting in the Zen Center, I take a drastic step to stop myself from continuing on the path I have been walking. It is like the old saying “if you love someone let them go…” I feel like I have to keep letting go. I am letting go for my own sanity. I am letting go because I cannot keep feeling confused. I am letting go because I have to see what comes back to me. If anything. It is the calm moment where you realize you are squeezing the hell out of your mudra hands, and you suddenly realize that they just need to nest and rest within each other. It is like this calm moment when you realize the reason you are gripping so tightly is because you are afraid that if it is gone nothing else will fly in to take its place, and though you are resigned to that notion, that you will no longer seek out what you want most of all. Though people always say if you stop looking it will come, I am not letting go for that reason, and as I understand this, briefly, fleetingly it is as though a dove has flown from between my fingers and I feel more free. I cannot say I feel completely free, because my heart knows what it wants. But there are so many things I want that I just don’t have. One of the things I have that I just don’t want is the constant yearning. I have to accept even that. I have to. I am still gripping so tightly to my mudra hands. I release them again.
I do not want to lose my sense of place, unsteady, uneven ground, the challenges of this world, it is all the same. I try to get a grip, I reach for whomever is near with my own expectations of how it will go. I don’t want to fall, I have been hurt so badly in the past, I don’t want to be hurt again. If I close my eyes and learn to trust it I may find it, like Luke Skywalker finding the force. I want to know what is ahead but of course it is impossible to see the future. Its frustrating but the frustration doesn’t change the fundamental truth of it. I have to accept each moment baby step by baby step.
And this is all just thinking.