I wake to a stomach ache, and the steady beeping of one of the smoke alarms in the house. I guess I have neglected to change the batteries on my birthday. I am tired and for once sleeping soundly. I don’t even remember waking up, except somewhere around midnight to turn off the space heater. I am in a funk this week. I don’t know why. I had an amazing weekend, but I just want to be alone, I want the time and energy to create, I want to sleep. Deeply. I feel like a lump though, lazy, tired and bitchy.
I haven’t actually felt this way in a relatively long time and I am searching inside myself to see what is the problem. I dream I am being operated on by a character not unlike the mad scientist in The Nightmare Before Christmas. He has fixed my eyes not so that I can actually see without glasses but so that I can see with my contact lenses in. But then I go blind in one eye, and the contacts need constant blinking to stay in place so I can actually see. It is a useless operation. And the world around me is decaying slowly, lazily. Or is that me? I am not sure.
And so my Tuesday (a day I am no longer allowing myself to complain about) begins, following a very long and very challenging Monday. I would say I enjoy teaching afterschool, but the stress is tremendous. I hope it is worth the 24 dollars I get paid an hour to do it. I practice shutting off my feelings, but when I make a valid idea known; can we have a “runner” who can go to the office and find out which kids are absent everyday so we are not scrambling? I get told it is the first day it will get better, and the neophyte teacher standing next to me says it got better last year. No it didn’t I say, we were still wondering where these kids were in May. I am just saying someone to find out who is absent at bussing time would be great. An older teacher walks by me and says I need a good stiff drink. I hear you, I say.