Autumn Evening

Chestnut Leaf

I have this plan to go to the Zen Center, but I am tired and tense and the last thing I want to do is sit.  I want to walk.  The evening is beautiful, cool and windy and though the leaves are well passed their peak colors the bronzes, yellows and russets are a brilliant back drop to the dark grey tree trunks and setting sun.

My mind is lost in turning over the anger and frustration my adult child heaps on me.  It is exhausting.  I am also still finding my own mind chewing on old hurts that no longer serve any positive purpose in my life.  It is also caught on the teaching and children, and in particular two rather emotional boys. One who pretends to be all tough and yet secretly loves any attention he gets.  The other an impulsive and rash young man whose emotions, anger, happiness, regret, pride and all the others, are right on the surface of his being.  And on the wonderful children who make my every day.  And turning over and over the smooth stone of the time I spend with the pirate.  I cannot even speak of it.

I pass over an area covered in giant chestnut leaves and stop to take a photo, it is twice the size of my long fingered and large hands.  I am realizing before I have even gotten to the halfway point, that I walked this distance every day this summer.  It seems long and my knee still really hurts.  I know now why I switched to the bike.  Again the dog looks up at me again and again with a giant smile on his doggy face.  He is happy to be out, and once back at the house slams his body in the dog hug, yep you guessed it hard against my knee.  I shout out in pain and he hesitates.  I hug him back, its okay buddy you just don’t know.

I feel guilty not having meditated but I also feel joy in my heart, my body is tingling with flowing blood and cold air, and my cheeks feel rosy.  I don’t know.  The soul or the heart or the body, which is more important?

 

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2 comments on “Autumn Evening

  1. I did indeed Eva, it was very meditative. I read someplace just a couple days ago, but cannot remember where that when we cannot meditate formally but are aware that we cannot it is in a way meditation. I just knew that sitting still would make me jumpy. I had been cooped up indoors all day and with winter coming I couldn’t resist the beautiful evening in nature.

    My pirate is a good man. (he also likes to dress up as a pirate, his form of creativity, along with photography, and damn I look good in a corset!!)

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