I dream I am living in a place that is both new and somehow completely familiar. It is huge and beige and boring. I am sharing this space with a room mate but the room mate is moving on and I am now making the decision do I stay here in this giant place or do I move someplace smaller. Suddenly I hear glass shattering, and I discover a window has been broken and the noise I made when it shattered has startled the would be burglar away. I immediately call the pirate, and in a few seconds of dream time he is right there, he takes me into his arms and holds me close. I feel so safe. I wake up feeling so safe.
Today as I cuddled against his warm body, watching Sunday’s episode of the Walking Dead, I realized something important. When we first started dating I was reticent, it wasn’t just him who didn’t kiss for two months, it was me. It is not he who is withdrawn and afraid, it is me. I have known from the beginning that this could be very dangerous for me. I have done my damnedest to sabotage it on a couple of occasions. But this feeling of trust and safety that is building in me, it scares the crap out of me. It really does. I cannot yet shut my eyes and let go though. I do not even dare.
I feel this creative thing that is inside me now, it is like a baby in gestation, how long has it grown there in me? Six months? Maybe 7? I do not know. It turns inside of me and I can feel the aliveness of it. It kicks and I am caught breathless, hand on my belly. Oh is this it? But no, still it gestates, still it grows, I wait for it to be born. It is imminent.