Dreams, Safety, Giving Birth

I dream I am living in a place that is both new and somehow completely familiar.  It is huge and beige and boring.  I am sharing this space with a room mate but the room mate is moving on and I am now making the decision do I stay here in this giant place or do I move someplace smaller.  Suddenly I hear glass shattering, and I discover a window has been broken and the noise I made when it shattered has startled the would be burglar away.  I immediately call the pirate, and in a few seconds of dream time he is right there, he takes me into his arms and holds me close.  I feel so safe.  I wake up feeling so safe.

Today as I cuddled against his warm body, watching Sunday’s episode of the Walking Dead, I realized something important.  When we first started dating I was reticent, it wasn’t just him who didn’t kiss for two months, it was me.  It is not he who is withdrawn and afraid, it is me.  I have known from the beginning that this could be very dangerous for me.  I have done my damnedest to sabotage it on a couple of occasions.  But this feeling of trust and safety that is building in me, it scares the crap out of me.  It really does.  I cannot yet shut my eyes and let go though.  I do not even dare.

I feel this creative thing that is inside me now, it is like a baby in gestation, how long has it grown there in me?  Six months?  Maybe 7?  I do not know.  It turns inside of me and I can feel the aliveness of it.  It kicks and I am caught breathless, hand on my belly.  Oh is this it? But no, still it gestates, still it grows, I wait for it to be born.  It is imminent.

 

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