“Sometimes life has a way of moving you past wants and hopes.” from the movie Tron.
“…it keeps my spirit alive to struggle. To struggle is to strengthen my faith, my hope, and my belief in humanity.” ~ Valentino Achak Deng.
It takes me a thousand years to shave my legs, at least it seems that long. I feel profound in the moment that I am doing it, and for the briefest moment something more like a millisecond I think that this is what enlightenment feels like, and even so it is not enlightenment. A moment captured in a moment, like an image in the mirror’s reflection. I wash my hands and feel the peppermint of the soap in my hands before I even smell it. Each splash of water is like an oasis in the desert, I am thirsty for every drop. I knit and each stitch is slowed down so profoundly that it feels like the first loop on a chain that will stretch around the earth, and there is no need to hurry because it will take so many lifetimes, it will never end for me. I put on my heavy wool coat, my dad’s jacket and I walk in the unexpectedly warm evening, a light drizzle is falling, the air is scented with the warm perfume of wood. Of pine burning. 2 miles, one step at a time, beset by obstacles, odd neighbors, my dog behaving aggressively, avoiding a dog I know to be aggressive, and his oblivious owner, and my poor little old man dropping in the street, his body shutting off as he has a seizure, I lift his heavy body and carry him to the grass and hold him my own knees in the wet grass he leans against me as I comfort him, softly whispering that he will be okay. He tries to get up and cannot move, shh I speak so softly, I am here buddy, its okay. After a few minutes we take each step, one at a time, his body still not fully in control. He follows me around the house as I clean up the disaster of leftover Christmas, cookies in the freezer, reusable bags organized, garbage placed near the door to take out in the morning, dishes washed, cupboards organized and room for all the candy and hot chocolate and coffee made. My vitamins laid out for the week, blankets folded, pillows placed, and always on the nearest throw rug or sofa, my guy sits, now his body pressed close to me. Insecure, but knowing whom he can count on.
“When you are in danger, it is most important to make a good decision.” ~ Gabriel Bol Deng
I make no decision. I sit waiting for the next thing to happen. I am lost in a crystal of frost, what words were whispered to get me here? I stretch my hexagon of arms out fraying and feathering. God’s plan for me is in fact not always the plan I have for myself. I shrug my shoulders up tight to my ears, and draw the sweater in close to my face the wind is so cold it cuts me. And yet here I am with a soft damp at the nape of my neck, and the temperature is not at freezing. I build a hexagonal shield, as my arms fold in on themselves, wrapping round a sparkling star at my center. I have only taken one step on my long journey and yet it is already halfway over. Do you not see the universe is playing out your life on a scale so vast. I feel the world suddenly spreading out, getting bigger as it implodes. The universe is all of the infinite possibilities of life enacted, living, whole, grand, vast beyond words. Can you imagine that this universe is the embodiment of all creation. You are so small, but without you there would be no illustration of this profound life. You are just exactly as you are meant to be.
I am resigned. I am exultant. How ordinary this life is. How profound.
Profound. I whisper to the night. Is all of this not profound?