muddling through this mediocre life

we tell our children how special they are, but if every child is special, are we not all just ordinary?  what makes us think we are so special?  are we not all just mediocre people?  a friend once referred to another person as common, a judgment i guess on the fact that they were not special.  but i ask who is truly special?  are we, as humans, not all just common, only our false airs, fake hair, plucked and waxed faces and vaginas, and our pretentious ways, we are all common, even a princess poops.  she just doesn’t talk about it, but guess what, she has to wipe her own bottom just like everybody else.

these days i don’t feel very special, i feel ordinary, every day is ordinary, and the ordinary days bleed one into the next, i keep waiting for my peace award, or my art award, or the teacher of the year award, or the amazing mom of the year award, but i deserve none of it.  really none.  i am just muddling through this mediocre life, i am just muddling through.

i have never raised a kid, i don’t know what advice to give you, he says.  i haven’t ever raised one either, i say, i don’t know what i am doing.  my voice cracks…

sometimes teaching is hard, i am tired of nagging the kids, and saying the same stuff over and over and having them not listen, seriously at all, it gets exhausting saying the same stuff over and over, giving directions repeatedly, and that feeling of being thrown into something and not knowing what you are doing, a result of budget and staff cuts forcing people into roles they are not always prepared to play.

i failed as a wife, i still don’t exactly know why.

he tells me, two years is too long to wait,

i tell him,

it is, it is way too long.

i tell him, you are the first responsible adult that i have spent considerable time with in 20 years, your home is a sanctuary of peace and serenity, i say, i just want to be here because it feels good.

 

finally after all this time, i see how hard my mom worked, and how difficult it must have been for her in my college years.

i stand on the cliff, well not exactly, because i am afraid of the precipice, and i beat my chest, like a territory protecting gorilla, only i don’t have fur, and i am a woman, and it hurts just a little, i put my hands close to my face and press my arms against my chest, resting my jaw on my fist, i am sitting under a massive boulder, well not exactly, because i am afraid it will be dislodged, i am like a mouse, whiskers twitching

i may as well be a furry ape, or a quivering mouse

Gorilla

 

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4 comments on “muddling through this mediocre life

  1. Never say you failed as a wife. SOB failed as a husband. He used you and then when his ends were met, discarded you. Be thankful that some other poor woman is catering to his selfish needs, not you. Be thankful that you have a lovely man who loves you and accepts you as you are. Revise your thinking………….YOU DID NOT FAIL AS A WIFE.

  2. I agree with your Mom, Meg. When it comes to your marriage, you gave and gave and THEN you gave some more. I’m sad that he left such an empty hole in your heart. I’m sad that he blindsided you, but unfortunately, you were the only one trying to keep your marriage together. His thoughts and actions were selfish and cruel.
    I’m also sad to see so many women go through such heartache. I guess their men might have balls, but not the guts to do the everyday work of keeping a marriage growing.
    Sorry. Not the most upbeat message. I seea lot of heartache around me.
    You did NOT fail as a wife my friend. THAT I KNOW FOR SURE. XOXOs.

    • People tell me this, including the counselor we saw together for two days and then I saw for several months. Why is it so hard to come to grips with it? It is one of those things that you want to put down and you try but it keeps snagging me, it catches me off guard sometimes, and just when I think its finally gone, either I see his girlfriend or I have a dream about him and then it all comes back around again. I have wished so much for closure, now I wish to just forget it all. In my weak moments, in the moments when I am tired I ask, what did i do wrong? why wasn’t i good enough, and sometimes, how long before this happens to me with the pirate… it is a heartbreak, it is heart wrenching, and the fact that it still hurts so much when all i want to do is leave it behind me. i wish i could believe it wasn’t me. i really do.

      thanks,

      i love you both.

      • Lots of LOVE & HUGS right back at you! I wish there was an easy answer, but as you have found out yourself – sometimes it’s hard to see the forest from the trees. I don’t know what life has in store for, but I’m glad that our friendship has been part of the journey. XOXO’s 🙂

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