She comes in my room and asks me if I enjoy going to galleries, my answer is like me, frank and upfront. I have many issues with galleries. First I hate the pinky finger pointing in the air as the wine or tea is sipped. What kind of markers do you use. Oh sharpies or some cheap marker they sell at X. Oh well I use nothing but the best supplies. Um okay. Congratulations. Would you like some cucumber water? Sure thing. But I would rather have lemon water. or water water. Just drink your damn tea the right way. Pretentious ass.
You stand looking at a urinal or a bucket of piss, or some image of a teenager spying on a woman as she masturbates. Or an anatomically correct drawing of a testicle. Okay. I cannot help but think somebody is in the green room laughing his or her ass off as I stand here using flowering language to describe how astonishing and avant garde and cutting edge and visionary it is.
I tell her about waiting in line for 45 minutes to see some installation in DC last year. Once you got in it was literally a dark room with a white wall and a red light. Cutting edge, and visionary. I said in my super loud voice, are you kidding me, I waited in line for 45 minutes for THIS? This is stupid and inane and like PT Barnum said there is a sucker born every minute and I am the one born for this minute.
And frankly that Eric Fischl that to this day I cannot even look at because it is so offensive to my eyes, the drawing is just porn, and not even porn that makes you feel a turned on, it makes you feel dirty. It kept his name in my head though. I didn’t even have to look it up. The book is in my box of sell or throw out though, the rest of the book is great but that picture on the front cover skieves me bad. Real bad. Although technically it is a very good painting, if he didn’t shock you, you wouldn’t really give it a second glance.
And as for the Picasso that someone spray painted. Okay have you actually looked at the painting? It wasn’t even a very good one. But because it has Picasso’s name on it is a masterpiece, it is priceless, it is a tragedy. Even art magazines don’t feature new artists, Picasso and Matisse, the Impressionists, O’Keeffe, yes amazing art, but tired and old, and do we have to be shocked for it to catch our attention?
Yes I guess we do.
So she says to me, so the emperor walks by and you say oh look its just a cube with pubic hair.
Yep I say.
I am going to make it.
You should do it live she says.
I am gagging.
The critics will say it will just curl your senses.
I am laughing.
(Shit I just gave away an amazing idea.)
Maybe I will do spun sugar dripping from the ceiling with all the animal hair dust bunnies floating about the room so it sticks to the spun sugar. It will be astonishing, cutting edge, such a profound message about the nature of humanity.
Or just me laughing my ass off in the back room.
LOOK that guy is NAKED.