I wake with a steaming sense of anxiety.  I am having issues and though they are small, they are also big.  I have a few things to work out, it is all internal.  I take the dog to the park, I am determined to walk.  I must.  I have not walked much these days, content to carry heavy ladders and do hard labor, I have not been eating well, this weighs most of all on my inner sense of balance.  I must return to yoga.  I must return to my 3 mile walks.  My body needs it.  I must return to riding the exercise bike.

As my feet carry me across the familiar ground, the dog is lost in the smells, I have to urge him on repeatedly.  Finally I see that walking is a direct link to my desire to write.  I am so full of anxiety this morning that I get most of the way through the walk before I realize I have not looked around me at all.  I have only looked at the dirt, and leaves, and detritus and rocks and the dappled sunlight sprinkled across the path and nothing more.

Why have I been so far from this place that offers so much solace.  Why have I been eating absolute crap food when I so much prefer fresh and wholesome.  I feel sluggish, my walk is short but takes too long.  Where was I?  Oh yes.  Chewing on the insides of my mouth, dwelling on things that only hurt me, from the inside.

I am ugly and hateful, and fat, and lazy and horrible.  All of my culture tells me so.

I exaggerate.

I am neurotic.

god i am so very anxious today.

i do not know why.

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3 comments on “

  1. Hiya Meggs! Sorry to hear you have been so anxious lately. I for one would most certainly welcome more writing from you. I still love to read your work right before going to sleep. It eases my many anxieties, and makes the miles between us vanish for a little while.
    I think the fact that you stopped yourself long enough to realize you were ignoring the beauty around you speaks volumes about your tremendous ability to care & share with others the joys to be had in the ordinary. Which in turn is part of what makes you quite extraordinary.
    Love you & miss you my dear friend. I’ll lift you up in prayer tonight.

  2. First suggestion: Toss “All of my culture tells me so” garbage into the compost heap or fireplace and tell it to ‘feck off’. Our culture is sick and dysfunctional and needs some serious therapy en masse. Don’t let it infect your beautiful be-ing with its malicous virus.
    Second suggestion: ASAP! Immediately do whatever gives you the absolute MOST joy in life.
    Hugs and much support from the cyberpond, Eva

  3. You are listening to “your culture”? Pooh on that………….you have always been a free spirit, marched to the beat of your own drummer, been yourself. Don’t stop. As for ugly, fat, etc., etc……………………..pooh pah…………..your grandfather, a very very wise man…………..always said………..”beauty is only skin deep.” Remember our neighbor across the road when we lived in the trailer? The one with 5 kids? She was really a very pretty woman…………..outside. But she wasn’t a nice woman and with the exception of the youngest child, treated her kids like crap………..leaving them alone to go drinking. Would you rather be like that? I don’t think so. Be proud of who you are, what you are, what you have gone through and survived and what you have accomplished……………BY YOURSELF. Be proud of the child you have raised, the good you do in the world , and most of all , be proud of YOU. And as Whitebuffalo says………………..tell our culture to “feck off”.

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