It is upon me, the deepest of blue, the blue that returns again and again. I walk in the morning and in the afternoon before the sun has set, but the sun is not visible, it is hiding behind Syracuse grey skies. The blues they are upon me.
I take melatonin and benedryl and still I do not sleep, I am exhausted in the day, and it is difficult to function. I lock myself out of the house, I forget my work keys at home, I drop things and lose things, I spin in circles trying to remember, remember, remember something? I do not know. ]
I am screechy at work. Students ignore one step directions. It is so hot, they have the heat set at hell degrees F. I cannot undress anymore without being indecent. My hormones then kick in, just in case I wasn’t warm enough. The Alice in Wonderland life of public education. I rattle about confused. All I can do is my best, everything else is just having tea with the Mad Hatter. The kiln is on, so it is now hotter than hell. I have no windows to open. The fan is on, like being in an airplane, and my screeching gets louder.
I hate myself sometimes.
By the time evening comes I open the fridge, I close the fridge, I open the cupboards, I close the cupboards, I open the fridge, I open the cupboards, and nothing appeals. He tells me eat salad, I had it for lunch, eat cereal, I had it for breakfast. Make eggs, I don’t want to cook. I know I am being difficult. My mom tries to help me find a poncho pattern, she gives up, I think she is annoyed, I know I am being difficult. He makes tilapia and sauteed onions, peppers and mushrooms. It is delicious, I wash the dishes before I go to bed, at 8 he kisses me goodnight. I fall asleep with the light on. When I wake I groan and turn off the light. I wake at 3. I hear the clock at 430.
I wake at 545. He laughs as I stumble into the living room with my coffee. He leaves for work, kissing my check a dozen times, sweetly. I cannot wait for the day to end.
I think, he has been in a long distance relationship with her for nearly half the time of our marriage. But I think it only because I met him in January. Just like I always think of him in September, in July. I remember how much he seemed to love me then, in his cat in the hat shirt I made him, and his overalls, jumping security in the airport. When I left, crying as turned, he couldn’t see me, but I could see him, I wish it had been the last time I ever saw him. Instead of him, watching me, suffering like a legless spider under a magnifying glass while he fucked someone else.
Some days, when I am in this place, I see myself this certain way. I am helpless against the events the universe throws at me. My spirit is a Linus blanket, tattered in a heap on the floor.
I crave sunlight. I double my dose of Vitamin D.
I watch as the pirate, slowly slowly, melts into the finest man I have ever known.
After a brief before work talk about the future, I text him, I realized with the divorce I have no control over my life at all. So whatever happens happens, I will land on my feet, I always have, I always will.
I would never get rid of you. I love you too much.
The cynic inside me laughs.
I spin in circles, trying to remember, remember, remember. I have no idea what.