Aborted Paintball and Morning Constitutional

I have discovered that I despise paintball.  It took about five minutes.  First I did not like the mask over my eyeglasses, it was uncomfortable but it made them feel stretched out, or something, and I since they are on my face while I am awake, stretched out glasses, no.  I also was poorly dressed, I knew it the minute we got there and the only people in shorts and a tshirt were three teenaged boys, and I.  I am pretty sure I hit people right off, but then, I got hit, in the neck, the bare neck and it was so painful that I literally could not catch my breath, in the next second another hit to my left knuckles, that was when I started crying and swearing.  We gathered in the safe zone, I put down my paintball gun and mask and walked to the cooler of beer and sat in an Adirondack chair for the remainder.  No thanks.

This morning I was achy and spent about a half hour talking myself out of a walk, but then once I got up, I decided, I should, I had to.  It is this thing where I want to use this time, to walk, which is a mindful practice for me, but it is so many other things.  It is good for my mental health, for my overall fitness, and I suspect in there someone will say calories in, calories out, you are walking everyday, though I suspect the scale will not budge.  It never does.  I am eating healthier, since my friend here is a whole foods, low carb, fresh foods, fresh fruits and veggies, and herbal medicine kind of person.  A thing I am envious of, because I started out wanting this life, and lost it somewhere around the time my daughter was born.

I think about how my morning yesterday was all about doing it my way and the satisfying feeling of competence, and how it ended with a stinging smack that reminded me that I am weak and wimpy.  So much for that confidence, so much for my belief that I can do it.  Yay.  No.  Fail.  I am embarrassed.  More for crying.  More for not expecting the sharp breath sucking sting of that ball on my tender neck.

I sleep fitfully, awake alot, thinking about how this comes around again and again, how just when I think I am doing it right, I get a good solid smack.  I am not doing anything right.

At least the morning is beautiful, and my walk, despite the very itchy quality of my legs and feet, is peaceful and mentally, very healthy, probably physically too, although, it is marvelous to not weigh myself, and to not give a damn what my naked body looks like.  Why are men such judgmental assholes about women’s bodies?

rose swallowtailbest grasshopper alldogs wildflower

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9 comments on “Aborted Paintball and Morning Constitutional

  1. I beg to differ with you. You are NOT weak and wimpy…….if something hurts , it hurts. Why subject yourself to pain in the name of “fun”? When I played softball I got hit in the mouth, not hard , but hard enough to make me cry. Do you think I am weak and wimpy?
    I didn’t think so.
    I almost cry every time I whack one of my fingers………….arthritis makes them so sensitive and IT HURTS.
    So the moral of MY story, is stop putting yourself down. The dumb thing to have done is to have continued “playing” paint ball thru the pain . Why would anyone voluntarily subject themselves to unnecessary pain. So be it………..Momma has spoken. 🙂

    • O Mom is SO in the ZONE here, Meg. I’m with her all the way.
      One thing I would add is, How about being “judgemental” about men’s bodies? Hmm? Like are they perfect? Have you ever ‘had’ a perfect male body? Maybe that’s a problem with our culture. We just don’t “judge” men enough? Hmm? I’m not sure. But there is definitely a double standard. Only way to change the game is to STOP playing it. Give yourself a break, woman. Love yourself and well, you know what two words can be said to those who demand conformity. Yes you do. I’m counting on Mom to be be down with this.
      Hi Meg’s Mom. Damn is she lucky to have YOU! 🙂

  2. Thank you, Whitebuffalo.
    I stopped worrying about what others think a LONG time ago. I’m me, if you don’t like me or the things I do………….f off. I have friends that are as strong and crazy as I am, and that support me the way I am. Meg, you have been through hell and back and you came out stronger and more wonderful. You raised a beautiful daughter who has morals, work ethic, is a decent citizen, who is growing up HER way…………………you’ve done great in all aspects of your life. Don’t let society’s mores dictate what you think you should be or how you should act. Saying f you is
    a very liberating thing ………….who has the right to judge you? Listen to Helen Reddy’s song………………I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR.

  3. The refreshments and company were far, far more satisfying than the paintball, in my opinion. As for the win/ fail cycle, isn’t that called living?

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