We stand, don’t we, on the edges of chasms and marvel at their beauty. Here where rivers have cut deep and long scars in the land. When man makes these scars we call them ugly, but when nature makes them we call them stunning, glorious marvelous. I stand here now on the edge of my own chasm. There are no clear bottomed overlooked where you feet seem to stand on air. There are no park rangers describing the way the earth has been carved over a millennium or three. There is no people snapping selfies and snapshots and not taking the time to pay attention to the beauty that is here in front. There are no burros carrying endless caravans of strangers into the depths. And there are no bridges to carry you across from one side to the other. You cannot leave it behind.
I once watched a show about people who survived being lost in the wilderness. There was one where a woman unprepared and a novice, decided to go off hiking by herself in a desert region of the grand canyon. She became lost, left behind her back pack, stumbled over hills and cliffs drinking tiny trickles of water to survive from one day to the next. Eventually on her last breath she was saved by Indians who followed her footprints, knowing it was dangerous territory.
I kind of need those Indians right now. I keep coming back again and again, dragged through circumstances, choices and my own wound pulls me again and again to the ground, air knocked out of me. Suffering alone, in the great vast chasm, this rift in my life.
I ask for guidance now. Because I think today I need it more than ever. Not oh honey it isn’t you guidance. I just don’t know what to do next. And I am scared, scarred, broken. I am admitting it. I know I am wonderful, amazing, I know all about who I am, what I am and how I am.
But I just don’t understand any of this. And I am so tired of this chasm, this rift shredding my insides.
I said I would never do this again, and this is why. I cannot bear the heart broken feelings anymore.
I cannot bear ripping the scar off this wound anymore.
It isn’t even this one person, it is all utterly internal, all me.
I ask for guidance. I am utterly done.
My mom joked and said maybe you should become a nun.
The truth is, today, I want to spend the rest of my life in meditation and prayer.
Because this chasm is insurmountable.
And digging in, only makes it worse.