I ain’t nothing really.

The vice principal stops me in the hall, can you go and talk to B. in the office, she asked if she could come to your room.  I kneel down beside her and talk to her whats going on kiddo.  The counselling begins.  I show her the sign language for friends.  At the end of the day she comes to my room and we walk hand in hand to the buses.

I take a line of kids out to the buses, all clamouring to hold my hands.  I have four children two in each.  As I turn to go back in children stop to hug me, the ones I am feeding, who went without food all summer, the one who told me her two mom’s got married and I showed her a picture of my best friends on my desk, they just got married too I say.

Why do so many kids in this school love you.

There are plenty that don’t those who are the hardest to love sometimes, the ones who break doors and wad up their papers and play catch with them through the whole class, the ones who threaten to punch me in my fucking face, and swing into my unflinching face.  Hit me.  Lets see what happens next.

This is a compassionate classroom, I say, we treat each other with kindness here.

All thoughts to take me off the utter failure in my life to find love.

utter failure.

in the cold autumn morning i wake with the dogs body pressed under the covers against mine.  I put my hand out and bump her leg she stretches and i pet her hind quarters, she turns and rests her snout on my hand.  I can feel the breath coming from her nose, wet and warm on my arm.  She licks my hand until i pull it away.

I recall my dreams, I am in a bathroom and there is the smell of shit everywhere.  I am shitting, the bathroom is a mess, people are collecting shit to test for some disease, it is all shit.

But then I wake and in the throes of joy from the taste of my daily banana (soy milk, peanut butter and banana smoothie) I find myself wanting to write.

All is good with me, all is right.  I am writing, I want to make art, i sleep like a beast.

Is this what the universe wants from me?  To live alone, to be alone so I can do all of this?  I do not know.

But oh my goodness, a man would be so lucky to have a woman like me.

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3 comments on “I ain’t nothing really.

  1. A Man WOULD be so lucky to have you, and a few have had that luck and squandered it, stupid people that those individuals are. More importantly, YOU are lucky to have you, I am lucky to have you, my children and husband are lucky to have you. That is true love. You have TONS, GOBS , OODLES of love in your life, just not traditional male/ female love. If there is an utter failure in your life, it is that you have not recognized that these other loves are what validate us. Our love of ourselves being the most important. So, I will say it one more time, hoping against hope that you HEAR me ” WE LOVE YOU”.
    I hope the smoothie was awesome, sounded good.

    • I agree , 100%. A lot of people love you …………….wrap yourself around that fact and splice it into that tape running around in your brain.

  2. Dearest Benevolent Goddess.
    your love means so much to me. you are so often the compass which guides my life. I do have OOOOOOODDLES of love GOBS and GOBS. I know I do.
    I know I do.
    I miss you guys, cannot wait until Columbus weekend.

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