The vice principal stops me in the hall, can you go and talk to B. in the office, she asked if she could come to your room. I kneel down beside her and talk to her whats going on kiddo. The counselling begins. I show her the sign language for friends. At the end of the day she comes to my room and we walk hand in hand to the buses.
I take a line of kids out to the buses, all clamouring to hold my hands. I have four children two in each. As I turn to go back in children stop to hug me, the ones I am feeding, who went without food all summer, the one who told me her two mom’s got married and I showed her a picture of my best friends on my desk, they just got married too I say.
Why do so many kids in this school love you.
There are plenty that don’t those who are the hardest to love sometimes, the ones who break doors and wad up their papers and play catch with them through the whole class, the ones who threaten to punch me in my fucking face, and swing into my unflinching face. Hit me. Lets see what happens next.
This is a compassionate classroom, I say, we treat each other with kindness here.
All thoughts to take me off the utter failure in my life to find love.
in the cold autumn morning i wake with the dogs body pressed under the covers against mine. I put my hand out and bump her leg she stretches and i pet her hind quarters, she turns and rests her snout on my hand. I can feel the breath coming from her nose, wet and warm on my arm. She licks my hand until i pull it away.
I recall my dreams, I am in a bathroom and there is the smell of shit everywhere. I am shitting, the bathroom is a mess, people are collecting shit to test for some disease, it is all shit.
But then I wake and in the throes of joy from the taste of my daily banana (soy milk, peanut butter and banana smoothie) I find myself wanting to write.
All is good with me, all is right. I am writing, I want to make art, i sleep like a beast.
Is this what the universe wants from me? To live alone, to be alone so I can do all of this? I do not know.
But oh my goodness, a man would be so lucky to have a woman like me.