There is a point at which everyone must simple give up and walk away. Something proffered is declined with love. Something proffered is declined with a brush off. Something required is insulted, something required is ignored.
Fear is a terrible thing. Fear of loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of a good life with a good woman. Fear drives the weak. They find make their agreements with Johnny Cash songs that he wrote in the throes of heroin addiction. It will let you down, it will make you hurt. You make this your anthem. Even though the only thing you are addicted to is your own simple misery.
My anthem, despite the worst of my depression is one of joy, happiness, and survival despite the attempts of the demons. You may be one of them.
And where is the lesson in this.
Let it the fuck go.
Seriously, let it the fuck go. I wave goodbye to the pirate, have a good adventure sailor, I hold my treasure in reserve, you never sought it, you never saw it, you never realized it.
Play on dear DJ. Despise your life and your wife. All I asked for was respect, and you don’t even respect yourself.
In the quiet of my meditation and yoga, I realize that I will not be single for the rest of my life. I have not been single since my ex left, one miserable short term relationship after another. Absolutely miserable dejected human beings me included.
I throw down a gauntlet to myself, I challenge you dear girl, I challenge you to knock off your nonsense and let go of the bullshit and MOVE THE FUCK ON.
half an hour later hope.
two hours later
2 days later a promise of another date
and before I even get home
a phone call.
a thousand questions, answered right
and hands big and thick and a testament of hard work
a tear in the eye
I trust not my own judgment after all of this nonsense.
although the judgment right now is that of a big softie and a good man.
But there is this small voice in the back of my head saying.
It doesn’t really matter anyway.
I really can go it alone. And that I think, is what makes the biggest difference.
Don’t get caught up.
Observe. And observe.
and remember, when it is enough, it is enough.
I am a turtle.
Watching as the world speeds by.
I am an elephant, waving my ears and my tail and my trunk,
I shall never forget.
I am not a wallflower waiting for the sun to shine.
I am the sun shining.