There is so much to process, all of this.

And it cuts clear to it, this notion that I have never really had anything that feels this normal.

Really normal.

And I am distracted and feeling small, in a way, small because I am 47 and I have never ever had this….this normalcy.

What do I do with it?

Sabotage of course.

Or maybe not.

And do I trust it?

Is it moving quickly.

My friend MJ, says at our age, a long courtship is ridiculous, we could be dead in two years, or three.


I walk up the hill with my old dog, knee aching.

And this morning, I have to help him up off the floor to go out.

I am filled with worry about him.  And I ask him, what can I do for you my dear?  Is there anyone you need to see before you go, and he turns his head away from me and won’t make eye contact.


And I tell him, I tell him I am worried and he offers anything I need, and he offers hope, and he offers, the warmth of those giant hands.

And when I tell him of the darkness inside me, he quietly accepts it all.


And when he tells me of his fears, I stand close to him, and looking at his lips, and his mouth, I tell him.  I am here for you.  I am here.  And I look up into his eyes.  So clear and bright, and I know what it is to be in the arms of a man.  A real one.


I have only hope.

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