There is so much to process, all of this.
And it cuts clear to it, this notion that I have never really had anything that feels this normal.
And I am distracted and feeling small, in a way, small because I am 47 and I have never ever had this….this normalcy.
What do I do with it?
Sabotage of course.
Or maybe not.
And do I trust it?
Is it moving quickly.
My friend MJ, says at our age, a long courtship is ridiculous, we could be dead in two years, or three.
I walk up the hill with my old dog, knee aching.
And this morning, I have to help him up off the floor to go out.
I am filled with worry about him. And I ask him, what can I do for you my dear? Is there anyone you need to see before you go, and he turns his head away from me and won’t make eye contact.
And I tell him, I tell him I am worried and he offers anything I need, and he offers hope, and he offers, the warmth of those giant hands.
And when I tell him of the darkness inside me, he quietly accepts it all.
And when he tells me of his fears, I stand close to him, and looking at his lips, and his mouth, I tell him. I am here for you. I am here. And I look up into his eyes. So clear and bright, and I know what it is to be in the arms of a man. A real one.
I have only hope.