I feel a little out of my comfort zone these days. I am not sure what exactly is happening, there is a kind of self confidence I have that is rejecting any negative assessment, and there is another intensely self critical side that is destructive and ugly that is abject in its assessment. These two go at it like Romulus and Remus battling it out against the backdrop of the universe.
Isn’t it funny how when we ask the universe to point us in the right direction, she gets right down to giving us a smack down?
It might be good to seek the sanctuary of a place in the woods and the mountain, I know this in my heart, but if the peace of that place offered me a storm it might blow me right over those blueberry bush covered cliffs.
And the last thing I need when I am in a funk of this magnitude is more criticism. Its like a tornado in the middle of a hurricane. Yep you suck, oh yes, you really do need to work on this, oh you small thing, smack. Right in the head with the shit stick. Smack right in the face with mud.
But that is it, when I was younger I was bullied about by others. One day at the beach, the neighbor girl called me a name and was following me around saying the rude little nickname, so I picked up the muddy fish scented sand from under my feet and threw it at her, it hit her in the forehead and slid down towards her eye.
You little bitch. She said.
Don’t call me that, I said, as I swam away.
But that is the confidence thing right now. You get bullied and battered and suddenly piercing your nose, dying your hair blue after cutting it all quirky, and walking around the grocery store wearing a hockey helmet don’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
I wake in the middle of the night and all the worries of the day eat away at my heart. I wake with the alarm having slept little, I am cranky and tired, and I talk to a person I trust and I regret it.
I am too critical.
Don’t I know it.
I am learning the lesson. It is not always an easy pill to swallow.
Later, I drive by my morning tree, enjoying the peace of the view.
And it has been cut down.