The grass does not get green as fast as other things do, and that grass green is like a smudgy Crayola green crayon, maybe with brown lightly underneath.  This week though the bright yellow green lilies are popping up, the bluish yellow green of the moss is a splash of paint across lawns, and the golden haired branches of the willow have turned a soft lime green.

Lightning strikes across the sky, days are grey and raining, but warm.  Windows open while the coal stove runs.  The air smells sweet. Do we criticize the Earth for flashing out in anger?  Do we question her storms, or do we accept that this is life as it is.

The birds are primally murmurating across the sky, heron stands in the river snatching a giant fish out like a prize, there are birds singing with joy in the trees, peepers in the ponds and swamps calling out for love.

This spring is a time of renewal for me.  I take a break from medication that evened out my moods, put a filter on my mouth and helped me to sleep without waking myself with talking.  But helped me gain weight and an exponential rate, affecting my health negatively, and numbing me to joy and creative inspiration, despite also numbing flashes of irritation or anger or sadness.  What can I live with?  What can I live without.  Is it okay to get irritated or sad, or is it better, to have a stroke or a heart attack and make sure everyone around me is always comfortable.  No.  I chose life.

Meanwhile T. is taking the boys to lunch and to get a haircut today.  Are you jealous of us playing hooky?  Nope I say, not even a little.

Isn’t it funny that I never feel jealousy with this man, but I was always so when I was married?

I think sometimes that the people around us form a kind of triangle, and when they are out of whack, so am I.  But when everyone else is healthy, so am I.  Is this an odd thought?

I feel like my fingertips are yellow green, my thoughts are a bluish yellow green  and my golden heart is pale lime.


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