White Out

The weather was a bit of a surprise on Sunday, as we all woke up to several inches of snow on the ground,  April Fools came late!  A pile of juncos were at the feeder, fighting over the remains, which I did not refill because the snow was shin deep.

And I had a lot to do yesterday.

I worked on a painting, finished up the school year book, paid my bills, made food for lunches for the week, made dinner, made lunch which was cold when I finally had a chance to sit down.

I am struggling a little bit with some ideas that are hard to wrap your head around, thinking about thinking, is not easy.

  1.  If you don’t like how people talk to you, and you tell them, “I don’t like it when you…..” and they say, yu are over reacting, or too sensitive, are they respecting your feelings and your boundaries?  Does it matter if they don’t see that you don’t like it, that it was just a joke, but it is still hurtful, are your feelings valid or not?
  2. If you make a decision about your life, which is in the best interest, in the long run, for your health, have a clear, logical plan and have taken the steps to put everything in place, is it okay to take a short term step backwards in order to make sure you are set up for a better outcome in general?  ie you are on a very low dose medication that evens out your moods which have ups and downs but are by no means bi-polar (a contraindication of the drug) nor as severe or drastic as borderline personality disorder, but bear some resemblance to the generalized symptoms, without the disability in daily life (ie you react with anger, but you are not exploding and freaking out, your moods are up and down, but you are not unable to get out of bed or up all night long, you are not jealous of anyone around you, nor are you binging (quite the opposite) and you can hold down a job for a significant number of years though not on medication) In this case you know you need A medication, but are preparing to transition to another that does not effect your health in an area which has become immanently problematic and will not be off said medication for longer than six weeks on the outside.
  3. Are emotions acceptable, I mean if you are working really hard on something and it is not going well, is it okay to express frustration?  If you are observing a person you care deeply about who is about to get into a situation that is unacceptable is it okay to get angry with them, and to be sad about the situation?  If someone is telling you regularly all the things that you are doing wrong, and you have a long sordid history with people doing this to you in order to manipulate, control and belittle you (intentionally and not at all intentionally) and they rarely point out the good in you, and you respond by feeling self conscious and thinking they have an unresolved issue with you, does this mean you are down on yourself?  And to be sad about the situation?

These are my questions as the snow falls, and the roads are slick with plows, salt trucks and sander put away for the season, and brushes hidden in the dark recesses of the car, I thought I wasn’t going to need these tools.  I thought I was done with the dark and cold season.  I thought that spring had come.

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