I am not greeted as I enter, and I feel awkward as people stare at me and do not say hello.

In the morning I am thinking of how uncomfortable it made me feel.  I talk about my feelings, I guess this is my first mistake.

I am told I am un-pleasable.

I am not the un-planet Pluto in the vastness of the solar system.

I am not the circumnavigation of the ocean on a row boat.

I am not the Sahara desert with no water or shade.

I am a verdant forest with a waterfall and slate stream rilling through I am surrounded by lady slippers, lush ferns and jacks in the pulpit, I am trout leaping in rainbow mist, I am the song of water, I am a fawn dappled in the sun, I am a lizard basking in the sun, I am a red eft, a black salamander spotted with yellow, I am a fox, lapping at the water.

What you mean is, I am not worth the small effort it takes to please me.  I am not worthy of kisses to my neck and shoulders.  I am not worthy of having strong arms wrapped around me.  I am not worthy of a date even.  I am not worthy of being told Hello, we missed you.  Glad you are home.  What you mean is, you do not care enough to please me.

I am told, you have changed.  I hear, I don’t care for the person that you are.  Loud and clear.

I am in my spacesuit un-tethered.

I am parched in the noon sun of the desert.

I am in an inner tube somewhere in the arctic sea.

I have fallen through the ice in the tundra in January.




The heart is full of this endless yearning

echoing through this cavernous abyss

the hearth fire spreads out licking warm fingers from this small lit alcove

the darkness at its edges a great icy obsidian wall

the wind whines, or is it the keen of mourning from far off deep

i rest my face on the cold glass of winters night, gleaning the warmth of the fire from the wrong side of the wall like a face pressed against the window from outside a winters night.

there is a hush as though owls wings have soared through

as though fat flakes of snow were falling windless

the ululating voice silenced

I am restless





Trial by Social Media Part 2


“Use your aggressive feelings, boyL  let the hate flow through you!”  – Emperor Palpatine

In grade school we learned about the Salem Witch Trials, putting people in stockades, witches being tried by mobs, burned at the stake, people being publicly whipped or hanged.  We learned though that this was morally reprehensible.  And worse was the crowd who delighted in the torture.  It goes back even further to people going to the Colosseum and watching people getting killed, gored, eaten by lions.  The distaste for people getting pleasure from this was horrifying.

And yet here we are in the 21st century doing exactly the same thing via social media.  We feel hate, anger and aggression and we delight in watching people squirm as we verbally abuse, excoriate, and vilify every one, from a dad writing a standard letter of good character for his son to a judge, a son who did a reprehensible thing, yes, but my doubt is real as I wonder what the media has fed the masses on this case, what is real and what is in fact manipulated.  I read the dad’s letter, it was a standard take it easy on my kid letter, oh but now the dad is the demon.  I am not judging this case, because I don’t have the facts in front of me.  And I no longer trust the media.

There but for the grace of God go I.

How many stupid mistakes have I made in this lifetime?  And how thankful that so far I haven’t been called out on too many of them.  And most thankful that the media has not gotten a hold of my transgressions, because you, me, all of us are now only one stupid mistake away from this aggressive hate filled mob of cabbage and rotten tomato throwers.

*S No worries folks drag your kids to the public hanging.  Delight in the strike of the guillotine.  Get your sick thrills out of public shaming, out of public life destroying.  Get involved, say your piece.  You aren’t physically harming anyone, you are just stating your opinion.  Call people names, let them see your outrage.  Allow the media to manipulate your emotions.  These people are not victims, they are at fault and deserve your judgment.  Tit for tat.  He raped someone so I will socially rape him.  He deserves it.

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.”-Buddha

“If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.” – Buddha

Tread with caution people, it is only a matter of time before you or someone you love will be thrown to the lions.


Trial by a Jury of Your Peers or Fire Or Social Media (which is the worst)


I experienced trial by social media first hand this weekend.  And I am a bit stung by it.

There was a photo of a cat abandoned by the curb with a litter box and some supplies.  Which was in fact pretty abyssmal behavior, having grown up in the country, this is nothing new.  We rescued most of our animals from “drop offs” animals driven out to a farm in the country and abandoned.  Sadly there is nothing new under the sun.

I was trying (TRYING) to say that you should not really judge this because of an experience I had that was similar, but not the same where people judged me for the humane decision I made with the help of my veterinarian.  Of course being social media I did not carefully think out my response and I was reamed out for it.

“Roasted” was one word.  “Cunt” was another, “cock” was a third word used in the comments to flay me then tar and feather me virtually.

Some people will, according to the comments, allow their pets to defecate and urinate on their beds and still allow them to live in their homes.

Some people made assumptions and then put them onto my actual decision, adding a layer of horror to what I proportedly did.

And I was told to never adopt an animal again.  ( I guarantee you I will never willingly adopt a cat EVER again.)

Here are your choices when an animal inappropriately urinates or defecates in your home.

1. Take them to a vet and make sure there is nothing wrong with the animal.  (Cat had a UTI, medication given, when we could catch her which after the first three days, was nearly impossible to do on any schedule.)

2. Change placement of litter box.  Shurinated in the basement a litter box was placed right there.  She continued to urinate in my bedroom, in my closet, on clean laundry and my bed.  I kept the door closed and she was no longer allowed in the bedrooms.  She was allowed outside.  She still urinated inside on the ground floor.

4.  Change litter type.  Been there, done that.  Multiple times.

5.  Try pheromone collars, sprays, medication and room freshener etc. Done. All.

6.  Place cat in a separate location from other animals.  Done.  (Urinated and defecated for months in basement in the crawl space rather than the cat box.) .  She destroyed a sofa, a chair (urinated on them) and urinated on several throw rugs which had to be thrown away an installed rug was ruined, balls of yarn ruined.  Antique baskets ruined.  Urinated on original paintings.

Finally, litter box is placed in our bedroom and it stayed that way with only weekly innappropriate urinating for several months.

7.Try to rehouse cat.  Tried in several venues for over a year.  But no one wanted the cat.

9.  Call animal rescue groups.  (No one returned repeated calls).

10.  We took cat back to vet.  Repeated step one.

This is when daily inappropriate urination began.  At one point, my fiancé whom she adored and the feeling was mutual, was urinated ON by the cat, on his crotch as he lay in bed.  All laundry had to be put away off the floor at all times, dirty or clean.  So she began urinating regularly in the bed.

Washed sheets, bedding, comforters, mattress pads and covers numerous times in about six months.

Repeat vet visit.  Discuss options with vet.

Vet agrees with the option we choose, we give cat another chance.

And another.  And another.

Until one day I am in bed.  Litter box is clean next to bed.  Cat jumps on bed.  Urinates. Jumps down.

I do what the vet and I agreed was the best option for the cat.

I am excoriated for it in social media.

Now if the cat abandoner had done half of these things and chose not to do what I did, but instead placed cat with supplies on the curb, it would be enough in my opinion, but nonetheless is a horrible choice.  Either way it is a horrible choice.  Any choice other than keeping the cat is apparently a horrible choice.  Suggestion that people should not be judged in social media results in judgment.

According to social media, allowing the urination to continue is the ONLY choice.